I know that doesn't sound like a big thing to some. I mean, I kind of sing all the time, at least subconsciously. However, today is the first time, in a long time, that I sat on a stage, microphone to my mouth, and belted my lungs towards an audience.
To some this isn't a big deal, but to those that have been following this musical renaissance in my life, they would know this is a big deal.
Growing up music became my life. It was an identity. Singing was something that shaped the very core of my being. An outlet...an art...a medium of worship. Then I got into high school and choir. Chamber choir, contests, all-state. It all wrapped up into this obsession with perfection. This obsession with being the best. Before long every fault I found in others' voices and my own pierced my ears. I could no longer sit in a concert hall and enjoy the melodies without critiquing the artist and performance. Upon hearing talent greater than my own, an overwhelming sense of jealousy came over me.
So I quit. I quit singing. I quit music all together. Refusing to sing in school, in a choir, even during worship at church. I had been so engulfed by this idea that if I couldn't be perfect, than I needed to just work harder or be better. The thought that my voice was enough...I was enough never crossed my mind. An obsession...in a sense, music became my god. And I knew this was wrong.
I had to get my priorities straight before I would allow myself to sing again, so I took a year off from everything. The next year I began singing in the shower....when I thought no one was around to hear...later I found out everyone could hear. The next year I started fiddling with a guitar... and now this summer I traveled to India, maybe with the soul purpose of singing with one little girl.
Then today I sang and played guitar at an open mic. I was nervous the whole day, and when 7 o'clock (the time of the mic) ticked, I was shaking in my boots. There were several people with guitars, ready to sing and share. Then my leader said, "Kayla, why don't you sign up first so that others will feel comfortable?"
Yikes! Was it not apparent that I was nervous as all get out?
Guess not. I shoot my head with intimidation, but signed up anyway. So I was first to go, ready to set the standard low.
Deep Breath. Finally the MC takes the stage.
I'm ready. Keep breathing.
He announces, and he announces a name other than mine.
The four year old girl in the back of the room trots up to the stage and takes the mic.
All acapella, she lets loose, "Twinkle, Twinkle, little star..."
Cuteness rushed over the room. Who knows if she was slightly off key or missed the rhythm. No one cared. No one noticed. It wasn't what or how she was singing that one the audience, it was the fact that she sang.
Then I heard a soft voice whisper to my heart, "That's how I feel about you."
Suddenly I realized, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter how it sounds, or if it's off. My guitar may be out of tune, but none of that matters. What matters is that I sang.
Sure, I'll try to hit the right notes and carry a tune in a bucket, but even if I don't the point is that I'm singing, and if I'm singing I will shine.
And all of us shined, as I got up and sang a song to my dear friend, as another girl sang a song she wrote (dang that takes guts, maybe some day), a friend read some poetry, and another guy rapped. As we did, Abba said, "I'm proud of you." The crowd agreed.
Sometimes we hide our gifts, our talents, because we're afraid of being judged or criticized. However, if we continue to hide them, what use are they. We may not always get it right, but the point is that we use them.
"Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works and praise your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:16
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