Confession time

It's confession time. Okay. here we go.
Confession: I hate being told I'm in the wrong. Big surprise,  right? I hate correction. I hate people saying, hey you're screwing up. You need to change. I hate hate loathe despise (insert angry verb here) it. Who does? Who really enjoys being held accountable?  To be told that we're anything less than the perfection we would like to believe we are? I don't. And worst is that I don't take it very well. My initial reaction is to get angry and fight. I get defensive,  putting on my warrior girl boots and am ready to take out my friends (who really do care and have my best interests in mind, but heck if I'd believe it in the moment).

The worst is when I get called on the carpet on ways I know I'm screwing up. Then I'm not only ready to fight, but simply shut down the conversation "I know! Mind your own business. I can handle this." When in fact if I know and it's still an issue, I'm clearly too overwhelmed to be doing what I need to to fix the problem, and need help. So the real issue is pride. And isn't that the root of it all.

Confession: I struggle with pride. I like to think I'm right, when so often I'm actually wrong. I push people down and shut them out until I no longer have anyone to hold me accountable. I hurt people.

So here's my confession and my apology:  I am sinful and I wrestle with pride. It hurts people, especially those I care about most. And I'm sorry. I want to change and I need help. The process is slow. It won't be overnight, but it's time to stop hiding behind walls and start walking in vulnerability, accepting criticism and choosing change.

--"if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. "--1 John 1:9

Kizomba

Kizomba.
A Breath.
1.2.3.
Dance.
One from two.
Movement
Rhythm felt
Not
Formula.
Constant
connection
Ebbs
The flow of
Union.
Harmony.
Trust.

Breath.
Prayer of life.
Exhale
Anxiousness.
In
Peace and hope.
Push out
Sustaining
Self.
Inhaling
Rely.
Ebbs and flows
Need.
Dependent
Thankfulness
Trust.

Pray.
Spirit dance.
Life.
Aligning
To the
Source of all.
Heart
Not just words.
Listen.
Communion.
Ebbs
And flows the
Rhythms
Of a song
Building
Trust.


Pray without ceasing--1 thessalonians 5:17

The master's hand

It starts as a canvas. A blank piece of fabric stretched across the board. Then inspiration. A sketch. Then a stroke of color. Paint layered upon paint. Finally finished and laid away to be admired long after the artist's time.

I have never had much interest in art history. I love to create. Paint. Get my hands messy in the work of beauty. However, the study? Never has caught my fancy. To study beauty is one thing, but to study the art of someone else is another.

However,  tonight I watched a documentary talking about the works of Leonardo da Vinci, and quite frankly I have been drawn into amazement. The research and techniques to prove the validity of a work are truly where art and science collide. The testing of the canvas. The paint. Even recreation of a work. A forger must be aware of every element, including stains to the back of a canvas created trough car less transportation and display over time.

The details to account are innumerable, and Leo was a artist of superior technique. His attention to detail derived from a desire to place reality on a canvas. The pigments, shading, single haired brush strokes painting eyelashes. Amazing.

Layers upon layers of paint on wood. Lefthanded brusgstrokes, and even the spreading paints with his fingertips.
Signature work. His fingerprints are literally all over his most famous works.

And all I could think is how complex. Every inch of his work was done with intention. Purpose.

How much more my maker's intentions with me. Every inch so delicately,  and complicated pieced together. Could a forger every truly replicate.  How do I doubt my perfection.

Papa, teach me to truly see the Beaty of your mastery. May I see the layers of intention you spread over my life, and may you constantly remind me of your hand print on my life. Amen 

All my needs

The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?--Psalm 27:1

Meditating on this passage, I'm becoming even more aware of the Lord's provision, his faithfulness,  and its effect on my life. 

This past weekend was expensive. I was anticipating it being a little pricey. I took a road trip home to spend time with the family.  However, when my tire blew out in the middle of the interstate,  my weekend became a little more expensive than anticipated. Not only does this mean I need new tires, but it's finally time to admit that I need a whole new car. This is the third major issue I've had this year, and from the sounds of it, I'm pretty sure my engine may go any moment. Maybe it's time to retire the "first car" and move up a little in life. 
This takes money....However, somehow all I feel is peace. I feel a certainty that God will provide what I need, when I need it. How? Because I've witnessed and experienced his provision,  building a confidence that God is my provider...at least physically.  When it comes to my physical needs, trusting comes almost naturally. 
But when it comes to emotional....
Mental....
Spiritual....
Now there I am a doubting Thomas. 
I fear....
I fear abandonment...rejection...immaturity....stress....depression....anxiety....church...family....
Oh how far I have come in the one area, how far I have to go in the others.  

However, this I know, Christ came to give life to the fullest. He came not simply to heal my physical body and needs. He came not simply to raise my body from the dead, but my emotions, mind,  and spirit. 

If I can bear witness to the provision of all my physical need,  it is the sowing of a seed of trust. Trust that he will provide for ALL my needs. 

Tumetoka Mbali

A few years ago I was attending a church with a large Kenyan community. And while i was there I learned the phrase "Tumetoka Mbali."

I was told the best translation of this phrase from Swahili is "look how far we've come."
 It's a phrase representing the process of reflection in which we compare the past with the present and find ourselves saying "wow! I'm no longer there."
And thus is the season I feel I'm finding myself in.  a season of Tumetoka Mbali.

Over the past year a lot in my life has changed. From one transition to another, I have been soaring, and since my graduation from high school I must admit that's a consistent trend. I feel like there's a constant force, stretching,  growing, changing me. And I must admit, those points of transition are hard. They're stressful. Anxiety provoking. However, it's the journey that has brought me to where I am today.

I was chatting with a mentor friend today. A woman that has played major roles in this process of several pinnacles over the past few years. We sat, enjoyed each other's company and talked about all the memories. All the good things, the hard things, the dumb things, and the things that left us dumbstruck. As there was a sigh in the conversation only one thing came to mind.

Tumetoka Mbali

Look how far we've come.

Isn't that the beauty of life.  I was again listening to these awesome 3dm devotionals and a point made was: I am not just saved. But I was saved. I'm being saved. And I will be saved.

I grasped onto the hope of salvation. I had that initial moment of realizing grace given, the life preserver thrown into the ocean and I latched on.

But it didn't stop there. Everyday I am called to continually recognize the grace extended. God doesn't want to just take me from one great conversion moment to the next. He wants to take me on a journey where I am continually experiencing and grasping new aspects of this love. He wants me to relish in new graces daily until finally I am perfected in the knowledge of that beautiful amazing grace.

And it's at points and seasons like this where he calls me into Selah. He brings me into a pause. Moment of quiet reflection.

Tumetoka Mbali.

Look how far we've come.

Papa, I thank you. I thank you that you have me on this journey. I thank you that you steady me, pressing me onward up this jagged cleft called life. One shaking, fearful step at a time you lead me and give me peace. I thank you that you bring me to resting points where I may pause in amazement of the thus far. I thank you that someday I will stand on the top of this cliff and be amazed at the view, taking in the vast colors of the sunset painting the valley in your glory. SELAH. 

Fruit

A tree is known by its fruit.-Luke 6:44.

Trees are beautiful, mystical things. A symbol of anticipation. In winter, seemingly dead, storing up energy and nutrients for the rest of the year. Spring it Burts into blossoms abloom. Summer growing, emerging, developing, sprouting. And finally in the fall there is a bountiful harvest of produce.

Figs are my personal favorite. However, I have wonderful memories of gathering apples in my family's' backyard and later roaming orchards. For a while our neighbors had a pear tree, until they cut it down.

Trees trees trees. All different, but all trees, and so it says "you know a tree by its fruit." The fact of the matter is that I'm never going to pick a fig out from under my mom's apple tree. It's never in a million years going to happen. Though I'd like it to, and if I knew a way to make that apple tree start producing figs, know that I would. However, it can't and it never will, because it's an apple tree and apple trees produce apples.

I was listening to the 3dm podcasts today and they went into the next chapter in Luke, where Jesus is questioned about his leadership and that of John the Baptists. And it goes back to fruit. He says "John the Baptist came fasting from bread and wine and you say he has a demon. However, the son of man came eating bread and drinking wine and you say he's a glutton and a sinner. However wisdom is proved by her children."
Jesus and John both carried a divine purpose in the hands of God. However, because of the difference in purpose their lives looked very different. However both were judged. In the verses prior it describes the people as seeing John as too radical so they strove to play some party music and set out hourderves (total paraphrase) to liven his spirit. Make him not take things so seriously. However, the same people saw Jesus as too radical and they turned on the funeral music, trying to convince him to tone it down.  Like me trying to turn my apple trees into fig trees, these people saw their leadership and exclaimed "hey, that doesn't look like how I want it!" And in their judgements sought to change Jesus and John.
But a tree is known by its fruit.
Jesus knew who he was, and I am assuming John did as well. They knew their purpose on earth and sought to bear fruit that bared such.

In church this past Sunday the pastor challeneged: what is your purpose? In life? In your relationships?  The Lord does not cause happenings to occur by accident. Everything has a reason. When we discover the purspose, we able to align ourselves accordingly and fruit is produced. We don't seek to produce figs or pears. We produce apples, because we are apple trees and producing apples is our purpose. And for all those who cast judgment, desiring us to be different, there opinions don't seem to matter.
Only time tells the fruit we produce. We cannot merely preach "this is the fruit I produce." Though an apple tree seedling may come with a tag saying "hey, I produce apples." Only time will tell it's true fruit. If it's an apple tree it will produce apples, but if it's a fig tree it's simply a fig tree wearing the wrong tag.
The only way to truly know our own fruit is to listen to the Father. Hear his voice, meditate on his words of purpose,  and follow through the doors he opens, confident. Above all we have to trust. Listen and trust. Listen to the purpose he places on our hearts and trust as we follow his tender leading.

I feel I am in a season of definition, allowing Papa to define my purpose. Surrending who I think I should be (whether that's due expectations or labels have put upon me, or my desire to be something else) and embracing who he's truly made me to be, no matter the thoughts of those around me. For I really am a fig tree, though I strive to be an apple like those around me. Now is the time to lay aside the desire and expectation. Now is the time to stop talking about the fruit I want to produce. Now is the time to live and in due time the fruit will harvest. Let the world watch. Now is the time shine and Glorify Papa as I was Intended. 

Coconut Lavender Face Wash

It's been a while since I've posted a good ol' diy. However, this week I ran out of face wash and I just love the idea of using all natural products on your skin. So I did some research and adlibbed with some of the ingredients.  However what I came up with has left my skin so soft and clean, I may not go back to store bought wash.

Coconut Lavender exfoliating face wash

1/2 jar coconut oil
3 tbsp raw honey
1 cup raw sugar
5-6 drops lavender essential oils

Place honey in jar with coconut oil. Microwave 30 seconds or until liquid. Add sugar and oil. Stir.

Directions for use: wet face, take a quarter sized amount of wash and scrub over face. Let set for 2-3 minutes. Rinse :) when I get too much I simply rub the rest over my arms and legs for glowing skin all over.

relationship and representation

I've really been getting into these podcast devotionals by 3dm ministries (seriously, if you haven't heard them, look them up) and in the past month we've been going through the book of Luke,  taking it step by step, discovering how it applies to our lives.
Bouncing off the idea of having grace for one another and grace for ourselves,  today I was listening to Luke 6 and they brought up the idea of relationship vs. Religion. I grew up in church, so trust me when I say I'm familiar with the age old debate of "my faith is not religion it is relationship." However,  how often do I actually stop and think about what that means. Am I just spewing words that match my dogma or am I living in a way that emanates a life walking with Christ.

I was talking with someone dear to my heart today and they were telling me their story of how they had grown up in a very strict religious structure, set with rules with what it means to be a follower of Christ. It could not be denied that members of this faith tradition were followers in every way they knew how, but they struggled to live up to the standard that was dictated to them.

The tradition I grew up in so often strives to bycombat affiliation with these rules and regulations to religion that they find the word religion offensive. If anyone were to suggest they were apart of a "religious group" again they would spat "it's not about religion, but relationship" still they have a list of things they won't do, won't go, won't say, not because it's sin, but because abstaining will supposedly keep you from sinning.   So similar to the brothers they are ready to condemn.

Even in my own life I have my list of should and should nots,  because somewhere along the line a seed was planted saying something is wrong. So I follow without question, though I'm given no answer of the truth behind the laws of my life.

And when I slip up, as I do often, I am condemned, as are all the other religion or nonreligious types. Overwhelmed by the weight of my tightly wound standard that sinches up the loopholes of the gospel, I find myself choking on what I thought was supposed to give me life...and life to the fullest.

Meanwhile I hear the still small voice whisper, it really is about relationship.  In my mind I think I am living in the light of relationship,  but truth be told, I am still harnessing a noose of rules. And as I do, I feel my Papas hands loosening the rope to say, this is not life. He welcomes and says come get to know me. Do not fret about the should and should nots. Instead spend time in my presence and when the time is right I will show you what to do. The more we spend time in his presence, the stronger the relationship, and the better able we are to represent him.
And yea, at times it may appear that we are living to "that standard" However it will come from a heart of knowing what's right, knowing the heart of the one we repreaent. And the rest we can let go.
The better I know my Papa, the better I can make him known. No rules, no regulations, simply relationship and representation.  

Grace for Self and Others

I was sitting on the beach the other day, spending some time with Papa. After a busy weekend of friends, time off (which generally means a slew of social interactions and no alone time), art fest, church, etc. etc. ironically I had had no time with the Lord (just me and the Lord that is). So desiring desperately to work on my tan before my brother's wedding, I hit the beach. 

I found a spot between two other ladies, they said it was empty. I laid out my colorful blanket I got in India last year, and simply laid there. The sun laying soft kisses upon my skin as the sand cradled my body. I was wrapped in the essence of bliss as I finally...relaxed. The pressure of perfection finally easing as I...released...every...care....breathing. I wrote earlier this week about how bad I've become about this simple practice, and in this moment realized that I had slipped back into my regular patterns of inability for respiration. Stress and anxiety steadily choking out my ability to breathe, now I was uncoiling the nerves from around my neck to simply be. 

From the waters edge I overheard the conversation between a child and his mother, regarding his brother, Summit: 

Kiddo: Summit! Summit don't play with the oil. 

(I don't think there was actually any oil in the water, but this kid was convinced there was something funky going on there.)

Kiddo: Summit! Stop! Stop that!

Mom: Hey, don't worry about him.

Kiddo: Ok...but I don't want him to catch disease. 

Kids are continuously my greatest gift from Papa to give me perspective on my place in life. They remind me how God views me, as a child: innocent, naive, and sometimes just dumb. It reminds me that even on my worst days, I am loved. When every move I make is a mistake, even in the times I think I am doing good, I may be disciplined, because he disciplines those he loves, but in the end.... I am still loved. Papa simply shakes his head, probably laughs at my toddling, and helps me get back up. I'm his child, that means I'm still learning how to do this holiness thing. I'm still learning what it means to show his love. And I fail...even in my best attempts I am going to fail. Yet even in my failures I'm often like that kid on the beach, worrying about everyone else. Saying "hey, stop that, don't play with the oil" (what oil!) "I don't want you to catch disease." And because I'm human and am going to continue to grow, I'm going to continue to make these mistakes. It almost seems a little hopeless. This idea of perfection that we're supposed to be being shaped into, but will never be able to obtain. 

However, slowly, I think I'm learning that that's the point. The fact that I am continually making these blunders just brings me back to the realization that I am so completely and totally dependent on Christ. I need grace. So maybe then the point of this life is not to obtain the so-called perfection that I am being shaped into, but rather learning how to pass out grace, of the lack of perfection in this life. Recognizing that I fail and having grace with myself, receiving grace from God. That spreads that I may have grace with others. Knowing we're all trying, we're all failing, and there's grace for us all. That removes the stamp of stress and anxiety. It restores freedom to try, try, and makes it ok to fail. Makes it ok to try things and not succeed, because it's expected. In all risk there is an expected loss as a possibility. However, if we never try we never know. Grace gives us the freedom to take risks, because even if we fail, it's ok,  and we can pick ourselves up and try again. What is a full life with out the lessons learned from our unknowing? 

Letting go of all my striving for perfectionism....ever so slowly embracing the ability to try.....to make mistakes....to be hurt....to get back up....try again....Freedom.