stress and the body

Today I got a massage. Seriously. There was a point in my life where I thought I would never do this,  but today I bought a massage and it was probably one of the most spiritually rich experiences. I went to my friend, Kevin,  at Detox Massage, where he focuses on the body, mindy, and spirit as being connected.  So cool. If you're familiar with ASOZO prayer ministry.  imagine that with a massage. 

I originally contacted Kevin, because as I'm going back into the serving field I've been doing some reading on self care. During the break I took from the field I recognized some areas in my life where I was pr acting poorly. I have a tendency to get into a completely missional focus and become an army seal trying to save the world. I get the mentality that there are to many things in the world we need to fix to enjoy a massage (or insert another pleasure in life here). I know there are several budding abolitionists,  activists, and world changers out there with the same view. They're all probably saying amen to my view point. But let me say after 2 years working in direct care and a year interning with crisis, I know that this isn't healthy. Yes, the world is full of evil. Yes it is evil when good people do nothing. But a greater evil is not stopping to embrace the good and let go of the bad. When we spend our entire lives working to fight the evil, we run the risk of being swallowed by the darkness and having our spirits die. I've been there and now coming near the other side of recovery I'm looking how to do this "helping profession" thing differently. 

I also contacted Kevin, because at my last dance class I was encouraged to straighten my posture. As I did this I realized that it hurt to straighten my back. After years of walking with a little slouch it feels unnatural and literally painful to stand up straight. And something I have learned in my short amount of life is that most of what is experienced in the mind and the spirit is made manifest in the body, and what is made habit in the body is ingrained in the mind and spirit. So I decided I was going to start working this out. 

I'm a clumsy novice when it comes to massage so I was unsure of what to wear, where to sit/lay, what to do in general, but Kevin was a saint and guided me through the process. Finally situated, we began the session with prayer and the Holy Spirit undeniably led the session. 

As Kevin worked, he noted areas where I was carrying stress and tension. 

"Have you ever been in a car accident?" he asked. I thought about it. Yes, but the last car accident I was in was 12 years ago. We're my muscles really showing the symptoms of an injury so long ago? If my body and muscles carry such memories how much more my mind and spirit the tension over the years. Even things I thought I have let go and healed from, could there still he work to be done in these areas?

Another thing I noticed is that he frequently had to remind me to breathe. Wow!  A basic function of life, yet something I appear to be so amature at, taking in breath. Taking in life. How did it get to the point where something so basic had become so hard? 

So here's to healing. I left feeling amazed. Feeling refreshed. Full of perspective and hope. 

Today I am thankful for Kevin. Anyone looking for a massage, stress relief, or prayer, totally check out detox massage in uptown Minneapolis.  

Stewarding Friendship

This week my phone died. Yes, my cellular device, a constant addiction. Distraction. My source of connection to the world killed. 5 times in 2 days. Memory erased, contacts destroyed. I would have all my friends send me their numbers just to have them lost again. I couldn't be happier.

I lost numbers, facebook, instagram, snap chat, all my photos. The only thing left is my ability to call/textfriends. E-mail, and my calendar. And yet, I feel this is the best thing that could happen to me.

With so much connection, I find myself overwhelmed. Always checking the latest message. In a group of physical people never present. This didn't just happen, it came on slowly, but now I'm addicted and circumstance has caused me to give up cold turkey, and I don't think I'll go back.

The first day of cell phone crash, I was talking with my friend who shared that social media can cause depression and suicidal ideation. Because we're constantly checking it to see if anyone messaged us and no one usually has, then it's like being in a group of people that are ignoring us (mind you this is from a friend, I haven't checked the validity). However, on top of that, I have noticed in myself the constant draw to be online, be with people, even though I could be with the people I'm with. It's an escape from society...and I use it to bandage my social anxiety. However, could it be that my vice, instead of helping me escape from one awkward social experience is just plunging me into another....?

Even on days when I am constantly recieving messages. Facebook, text from mom, instagram, snapchat, text from friend, answer all, e-mail check. Repeat. How often do I find myself so overwhelmed with the notifications demands of a devise that my heard begins to palpitate at exhilerating speeds and I must admit I'm anxious beyond belief. I can't compete to meet the demands.

Not to mention the numbers of numbers I don't ever even use. Who is that friend on facebook? I must know them from somewhere. That one time. Must have been a great time, but who are you? Same with my phone. Who is Jessica P? I know we were friends...right?

Is it really healthy to be hanging on to all these relationships? Trying to make them work. Fighting my way through? For me? I don't think so. Though facebook is a wonderful too. I use it to send my sister cute pictures and let my mom see my life in the cities. I can even coordinate group events with a single message. But do I need it all the time? I don't think so, so Adios.
And Rachel, I love your cat, but I've decided I shouldn't be escaping uncomfortable social situations by perusing all of the videos on snap chat. Finally instagram....I really don't think I need 10000 pictures of peoples food on my phone. So I'm letting go.

As for my contacts. I've been praying. Papa, in this season who are you wanting me to connect with, pour into. Who are my people. I think he's answering.The numbers I have and will have are meant to be for now. The ones I lost, I guess the season is over for now. Time to start pouring in where I am to the people I'm with. No more distractions. 

Idolizing Relationships...or the lack there of

Instagram ring shots. Facebook engagement photos. Wedding invitations arriving in the mail. Even my own baby brother is getting married this summer. Yes. Love is in the air, and with that, the parade of blogposts strolling through my news feed on topics such as "How to love your husband," "Things to look for in dating," "Worth the wait." 

Then, of course, to balance all these articles, we have a mirad of "Don't make marriage your idol," "I kissed dating goodbye," "I'm single and taking on the world," "Why wait.""Singleness is a gift." Articles for the single people out here, to remind us that our day will come, or encouraging us to be thankful that it hasn't yet, because then we can do whatever we want with nothing to tie us down. 

I would just like to stop write here and say I'm so happy. Excited about all my dear friends that are engaged, married, newly married, in relationships, etc. This is exciting. It is a process the Lord uses to shape us and teach us more of who he is. On top of that it is beautiful to see people happy and committed to building family in the world. Being devoted to loving one another. If anyone knows me, they know I love love. I also think that all of the articles they post (and mind you I do read them on occasion) are insightful and it's good to pass on wisdom.

On the same note, I am single, and I would be lying if I said there is not that desire to be married. I can pretend that when i hear wedding plans there's a part of me that says "I wish that were me." And I know that there are a bundle of single girls (and guys) empathizing. And as the articles illustrate, I see two pockets that tend to form, and I am as guilty as the next for falling into each of these on numerous occasions. We have 1. Man Hunters 2. Miss Independent. 

1. Man Hunters: Desiring to be in relationship, we are constantly seeking out "the one." Now I'm not saying that dating is a bad thing. Nor is there anything wrong with being open to the idea of a new relationship. But I always get concerned when I have friends that float from one relationship to the next. Or If a man shows any hint of interest is planning the wedding (I recognize I'm talking a lot about girls. Mind you I have met plenty of men in the same boat). 

2. The Independents: Then there's those of us that think Well who needs a man anyway! I'll just be free. Free to pursue my life and my passions and I'm going to leave my mark on the world and no man can tell me otherwise. Sucks to be married. Then you're attached. You don't have a life of your own. This way I do what I want when I want. 

I don't think either of these are healthy. Yes.  Singleness is a gift. Yes. Relationships are a gift. But when we forget the gift giver...that's when we're in trouble. 

I've noticed in this season of my life there is a tendency to obessess over this area. I mean, after all is there really anything else popping up on my social media? And I struggle in this limbo to find a healthy balance of embracing my singleness while staying open to relationship. It feels like a storm of inward conflict. I really am content to be single, but if someone shows interest how should I navigate that? I've been praying through it a lot and the other night it hit me that I'm focusing on the wrong thing. 

My focus should be on Jesus, and him alone. He is where my identity is found. 

If I am single. That is a gift and the Lord wants to use that to build me, to strengthen who I am as an individual. However, when my singleness...my independence...is a source of focus I will obsess over my career, job, putting my mark on the world....and ultimately it will lead to loneliness. 

If I am in a relationship. That is a gift to mold me in showing love. To learn the art of giving and receiving grace. A course in setting boundaries. But even healthy relationships are flawed, and all individuals carry with them brokeness, so what can we expect, but dysfunction and messiness in relationships. If I am dating or married I will be failed. And if that is what I have put all my focus, my attention, direction, and obsession on...my identity....I will again be hurt and lonely. 

So whether single or married, my focus should be on the Lord alone. My identity in him he is the only one that can fulfill. He puts the lonely in families. He gives purpose. And when my identity is on him that is what gives life to the singleness and gives peace to the times of deciding who I should date and figuring out if that is a person I want to marry. He gives bravery to face both unknowns. 

I've been praying a lot, and I felt Papa whisper, whatever you choose I will be with you. Focus on me and me alone, I will be your answer. So I'm going to trust and walk in the freedom no matter what season he leads me in. 

Roles, Maturity, and "I Can" Spirit

Transition. If I have not said it enough (and even if I have, I will say it again) I hate it. Transition, for me, it a point of chaos, struggle, turning. Stress. I struggle in transition to keep my head straight. Most of the time I can't tell if I'm crazy or if it is just circumstances seemingly spinning out of control. However, from what I hear, that's normal. Transition is hard. It's a point where of defining, where what we know, think, and feel is all thrown up in the air and brought into question. For some lucky people, they transition one circumstance at a time. For me, I just tend to get it all at once. This week, new room, new roommates, new job, new sleep schedule, and new roles in where I live. Again, I can't tell if I'm going crazy or if it is mere circumstance. 

And in this process, most of what I had so slowly grown accustomed to has been thrown up in the air for question, reevaluation, and possible change. Everything from, do I really still like that painting that is hanging on the wall, to who am I in this new group of people, to now what do I need to do to take care of myself. 

With new rhythms, I finally decided, to take some alone time and actually look at life. I realized, as I have several times this year, I just feel a struggle in knowing who I am and what I am supposed to be doing with the Annex (where I live and volunteer), church (where do I fit, how can I serve, where am I in the family), friends (what relationships should I be holding onto, where should I be letting go, where should I be pouring in). At least that's what I thought my questions were. However, as I sat and processed, I realized that there are things I feel inclined to. There are things I want to do. Want to be. Naturally we are inclined to different areas, and so am I. 

Still, I struggle. Not maybe with knowing what I'm supposed to be doing, or even would like to do. I struggle knowing that I can do it. I don't know where it started, but at some point people started telling me I look young for my age. I'm only 23, so it's hard to feel people are going to take you serious if you look much younger. That eventually translated in my brain that I act younger and into a belief that I am immature and incapable. Even deeper, it fed I lie I already believed that I can't do it. Oh, but it gets worse. Of course, I can't just believe that about myself, so I put that on others, and believe that's what they think about me. I believe others think I'm immature, irresponible, unable to do anything of meaning. And if you know me, you know that I am a fighter, so I get defensive and I get angry. More than that, I get jealous when I see others being used in their gifts and yet I feel so incapable of so much. And when I get to this point, clearly I am so mature and able to take on the world. The root of insecurity is my downfall. 

I was sitting reflecting this morning, realizing I felt that  I'm immature. I can't be taken seriously. That's when I heard Papa say "My dear, who told you you were immature and unable to handle things" I tried a couple times to insert people's names or situations. Then I realized no one ever had. I had told it to myself. 

Could it be possible that the only person that was standing in the way of me and the rest of my life was myself? 

I think it is valid that sometimes I am immature. But isn't everyone in a new situation. Does anyone truly know how to manage in an area they have never been? If we did know, then what would be the need for growth? So is it possible that I am not afraid of my immaturity, but my imperfection. I am afraid I will not be perfect, so I decline from action. 

As I reflected, I looked at myself and said, "Well, that's dumb." 

A couple weeks ago my friend Ali was telling me about power poses. A study showed that people who walked with confidence, even if they felt no confidence at all, were viewed as more confident. Not only that, but their posture began to rewrite their brain patterns and they BECAME MORE CONFIDENT. 

So I guess now it's time for me to do some power poses. I can't sit back and be afraid of imperfection. The only perfect person is Jesus and that's why the Gospel works. Now it's time for me to embrace the gospel. Embrace I am imperfect, but in that I am capable, because the Lord has given me grace. That is why I can walk in confidence. Even if I don't feel it yet. There's power in "fake it till you make it." So I'll keep speaking that I can. I am. I am becoming who I was made to be and there is now shame in that. I'm not ready to take on the world. But I am ready to take on relationships, friendships, family, church, the Annex. I'm ready to take on my life.