Mary's Song

Every time Christmas rolls around I love to reflect on the Christmas story. Between meditating on the actual scripture passages, singing caroled hymns, putting up the Nativity there's no shortage of reflection. And every year there seems to be a new character in the Nativity story that catches my attention. This year it's Mary. Maybe it's because since I've married a Mexican and we pass the Virgin Guadalupe every time we go to buy a concha. Maybe it's because I work in a crisis pregnancy center and, oh yeah, this was probably the biggest unplanned pregnancy of all time. Or maybe it's because I, myself, am pregnant.

But wait. Let's back up, because I haven't blogged since May and all this has happened since then. So incase you haven't heard the tornado of my thoughts, I moved, got married, and changed jobs all in a month. 2 weeks later I find out I'm pregnant. Now on the horizons there's more change which is a bit of a secret for now. But let's just say I'm just wanting a little taste of normal. Most of these changes are happy. Some have been upsetting and sad. All of these changes are good. But let's face the facts: change, even good change is a difficult whirlwind to ride through. So let's just say the Father and I have had a few sit-down cry sessions as I'm working on "managing" this transition.

Then we have Mary. The original "16 and Pregnant". And all of my crazy is put into perspective. Little Virgin Mary is stopped by a stranger on the street and told "Hey you're pregnant!" Talk about a turn of events. She was engaged in a time where virginity was value and let's face is, the only way to get pregnant was to...
To loose hold of that sacred treasure, as a woman, would mean a death sentence (I'm not kidding, Matthew 1:19).

So here's me crying out, because I want some normal. And here's Mary's answer:

“My soul glorifies the Lord
⁴⁷     and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
⁴⁸ for he has been mindful
    of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
⁴⁹     for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
    holy is his name.
⁵⁰ His mercy extends to those who fear him,
    from generation to generation.
⁵¹ He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
    he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
⁵² He has brought down rulers from their thrones
    but has lifted up the humble.
⁵³ He has filled the hungry with good things
    but has sent the rich away empty.
⁵⁴ He has helped his servant Israel,
    remembering to be merciful
⁵⁵ to Abraham and his descendants forever,
    just as he promised our ancestors.”--(Luke 1:46-55)

Mary's response was not that of fear and frustration, but of trust and hope. How much I have to learn. I think there are times where we need honesty with God. There are times we need to grieve and pour out our hearts. Then I believe there are times when we need to look beyond our fear into the hope we have. This is our time to praise. When we focus our eyes on the one who's power is stronger and greater than ours we begin to see the bigger picture that the Lord is at work and we can trust. He is our Immanuel, God with us. That is the meaning of Christmas. Mary was the first to experience this truth and as we sit in praise, waiting for God's plan to come to fullness we experience the Christmas story in our own lives.

Wrestling with the Easter Bunny

Romans 8:39 "neither heights, nor depths, nor anything in all creation can separate use from the Love of God found in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Easter is the time of year where little girls get dressed in frilly, colored dresses. We buy boys miniature grey suits and baby blue bow-ties and we call this "our Sunday best." We fill up baskets with "grass" the color of the rainbow and send our children off too look for eggs supposedly hidden by a gigantic rabbit that we took pictures with at the mall last week.

At the core it has remained a family holiday, even if we throw out the death and resurrection, lent which precedes both, and even before that, Passover. And it seems, like Christmas, we've forgotten the true meaning. Yet, recently I feel like I'm more able to relate to the fuzzy bunny holiday than the celebration of my salvation.

It's easy to feel far from God.

Anyone that lives in this busy world knows the struggle of trying to make-ends-meet and still follow God whole heartedly. There's that ever present tension, where we're striving to stop to say our morning prayers, yet still win the race of making it to work on time.

This goes out to all the 20-somethings struggling to figure out what it means to live in "the real world," every-one who works the glorious human services schedules, and all those who struggle to hear God's voice.

I took my job, praying Lord use me. Knowing that even if I missed church, there is something to be said of "caring for the least of these," and "walking alongside orphans." So I prayed "Lord use me. Teach me to pray in the moment, not just when I carve it out in my schedule. Teach me to feel your presence, even when time slips through my fingers to bask in it. Be my guide." I'm still praying.

It's hard working a One-Sunday-off-a-month schedule. It's hard to know where you sit with God when you don't have a preacher reminding you every week. It's hard to pray and remind yourself where you sit with God when most days you're surrounded by situations that challenge his existence.

However, through these time of loneliness, struggle, and testing our faith is made stronger. In times when I am discouraged I've been learning to cling to this verse:

"neither heights nor depths, nor anything that is in all creation will separate us from the love of God found in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 8:39.

And as Linus to Charlie Brown: That is the real meaning of Easter.

When my life feels like a circus of juggling a job against my spiritual life. When I'm really not sure where I stand in this great scheme of life. When Easter has become simply a rabbits feet and candy. That's when I remember that I am loved.

Despite the challenges. Despite the struggle, I am loved more than I can ever imagine. And when I remember how much I am loved in the midst of chaos, that is when my faith is made stronger, because God reaches down to remind me he is still there.

Happy Easter Season. It's coming just next week. Remember, no matter your situation. No matter how you feel, you are loved. And that is the true meaning of Easter.

Point of Perspective

If I were to say that work has been busy lately, that would be a lie. Now, if I were to say work has been crazy beyond compare; each new day  is the new worst-day-of-work-ever; and it feels like the only way I know how to communicate anymore is fighting: That is a more accurate description of work lately.

In short: The week started with yet another co-worker quitting (that makes 3 for last week). Being under-staffed, I worked and overnight shift during what should have been my day off. Yesterday I had to take a kid to the hospital who slipped on the ice. Then on the way to the hospital I crashed the company car when a little-old Vietnamese man put his Toyota into the driver-side door. Needless to say I did not get out of work until very late. 

Chaos may be an understatement. I am exhausted. 

However, in the midst of processing all the crazy one solid truth stuck out (Or pointed out by my mentor): This is my choice. No one is making me work this job. Most people think I should quit. But in the end it is my choice. 

As cliche as it may sound: it's for the kids. Work worth doing is never easy. However, the determination factor of success or failure is often perspective. If this job is being forced upon me, there would be no way out. Though chaos renders the feeling of lost control, in the end I always have control of my choice to stay where I am or move on. 

It's all about perspective. 

I was listening to yet another 3DM Devotional this morning and the Pastor was speaking about Peace. Peace is the gift Christ gave us when he returned to heaven. However, this is unlike the world's Peace. The world would define Peace as the absence of chaos. True Peace is steadfastness in the midst of chaos. Like when the disciples were in the boat screaming, "Jesus don't you care about us?" And Jesus spoke into the storm. We forget who is walking with us. We forget that the one who calms the storms is with us, so even if he doesn't calm the storm it will be OK. We can keep our eyes on Jesus and know that he is with us, guiding us. True peace does not come from controlling our life, or even controlling our anxiety. It comes from letting go. Surrendering to the one who does control all. 

Grace and thanks

When was the last time I counted my blessings? Earlier this year I was reading a book all about this subject and how gratitude has the power to bring healing to our lives. With in just a few short months I seem to have forgotten every lesson learned. Though still in my head, it has taken a toll trying to transcend into my heart. It's a discipline, to write, to think: What are the blessings on my door step? I forget that only I have the power to see the good in my life. But not  just to look at my life, but to see the good in others. One step at a time. Counting my blessings. I've been struggling to do this. But I'm going to make a point. Before every meal, to stop, breathe, center myself and say thanks. When I was little we said "grace" before meals. But isn't that what gratitude is, saying the graces that are brought into our lives? When we see the light, the world doesn't seem so dark. I'm choosing thankfulness. 

expectations

We all have that in our heads. The ideal. Those thoughts that say "it should be..." or "could be..." It's the pre writing of our own story we play in our heads. Our thoughts before life events,  we're so often unaware of the record playing over and over in the soundtrack of our minds.
Then suddenly reality collides with our picture perfect expectations and suddenly,  often surprisingly,  we are met with disappointment. After all, how can the real world ever compare with reality, like Britain and Narnia for the Pevensie children.
The world is not magic, there is disappointment, chaos, and confusion.
However God is still good.
When expectation meets reality, we are given the choice to either embrace disappointment or letting go. Let go of the expectations.  Our ideas of perfection and let the Lord reveal the perfection he is working.
To see the beauty in the world is an art.
To see the joy is to embrace a gift.
To name it is to offer Thankfulness for what has been offered.
So many times in the Bible the Lord is declared and shown to be above the chaos of our lives. Life is chaotic. It often does not make sense. We can't deny that. However our Lord is order amongst the disorder. He makes sense amongst our storm.
 Be still and know that I am God. -Psalm 46:10

August Thankfulness challenge

I've mentioned earlier this year reading the book 1000 gifts. And since then started keeping a Thankfulness journey. Being plagued with anxiety since I was a little girl, I've been seeking breakthrough this year.

Eucharist deo...The theme of this book.

Thankfulness always proceeds the miracle.

I'm choosing to try my hand at the discipline, instead of seeking the healing, seeking Jesus. Praising him for the gifts he give. Worship exalting all he has shown himself to be in my life.
I seek to be come disciplined in this area, and though am not pwrfect, many days forgetting my journal, still in process of disciplining my mind to acknowledge the Lord's blessings.

Today, while scrolling through my Facebook news feed I discovered that there is a special Thankfulness Challenge through the month of August. So in disciplining myself, I'm choosing to participate and inviting everyone else to join in.

Kizomba

Kizomba.
A Breath.
1.2.3.
Dance.
One from two.
Movement
Rhythm felt
Not
Formula.
Constant
connection
Ebbs
The flow of
Union.
Harmony.
Trust.

Breath.
Prayer of life.
Exhale
Anxiousness.
In
Peace and hope.
Push out
Sustaining
Self.
Inhaling
Rely.
Ebbs and flows
Need.
Dependent
Thankfulness
Trust.

Pray.
Spirit dance.
Life.
Aligning
To the
Source of all.
Heart
Not just words.
Listen.
Communion.
Ebbs
And flows the
Rhythms
Of a song
Building
Trust.


Pray without ceasing--1 thessalonians 5:17

The master's hand

It starts as a canvas. A blank piece of fabric stretched across the board. Then inspiration. A sketch. Then a stroke of color. Paint layered upon paint. Finally finished and laid away to be admired long after the artist's time.

I have never had much interest in art history. I love to create. Paint. Get my hands messy in the work of beauty. However, the study? Never has caught my fancy. To study beauty is one thing, but to study the art of someone else is another.

However,  tonight I watched a documentary talking about the works of Leonardo da Vinci, and quite frankly I have been drawn into amazement. The research and techniques to prove the validity of a work are truly where art and science collide. The testing of the canvas. The paint. Even recreation of a work. A forger must be aware of every element, including stains to the back of a canvas created trough car less transportation and display over time.

The details to account are innumerable, and Leo was a artist of superior technique. His attention to detail derived from a desire to place reality on a canvas. The pigments, shading, single haired brush strokes painting eyelashes. Amazing.

Layers upon layers of paint on wood. Lefthanded brusgstrokes, and even the spreading paints with his fingertips.
Signature work. His fingerprints are literally all over his most famous works.

And all I could think is how complex. Every inch of his work was done with intention. Purpose.

How much more my maker's intentions with me. Every inch so delicately,  and complicated pieced together. Could a forger every truly replicate.  How do I doubt my perfection.

Papa, teach me to truly see the Beaty of your mastery. May I see the layers of intention you spread over my life, and may you constantly remind me of your hand print on my life. Amen 

All my needs

The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?--Psalm 27:1

Meditating on this passage, I'm becoming even more aware of the Lord's provision, his faithfulness,  and its effect on my life. 

This past weekend was expensive. I was anticipating it being a little pricey. I took a road trip home to spend time with the family.  However, when my tire blew out in the middle of the interstate,  my weekend became a little more expensive than anticipated. Not only does this mean I need new tires, but it's finally time to admit that I need a whole new car. This is the third major issue I've had this year, and from the sounds of it, I'm pretty sure my engine may go any moment. Maybe it's time to retire the "first car" and move up a little in life. 
This takes money....However, somehow all I feel is peace. I feel a certainty that God will provide what I need, when I need it. How? Because I've witnessed and experienced his provision,  building a confidence that God is my provider...at least physically.  When it comes to my physical needs, trusting comes almost naturally. 
But when it comes to emotional....
Mental....
Spiritual....
Now there I am a doubting Thomas. 
I fear....
I fear abandonment...rejection...immaturity....stress....depression....anxiety....church...family....
Oh how far I have come in the one area, how far I have to go in the others.  

However, this I know, Christ came to give life to the fullest. He came not simply to heal my physical body and needs. He came not simply to raise my body from the dead, but my emotions, mind,  and spirit. 

If I can bear witness to the provision of all my physical need,  it is the sowing of a seed of trust. Trust that he will provide for ALL my needs. 

Grace for Self and Others

I was sitting on the beach the other day, spending some time with Papa. After a busy weekend of friends, time off (which generally means a slew of social interactions and no alone time), art fest, church, etc. etc. ironically I had had no time with the Lord (just me and the Lord that is). So desiring desperately to work on my tan before my brother's wedding, I hit the beach. 

I found a spot between two other ladies, they said it was empty. I laid out my colorful blanket I got in India last year, and simply laid there. The sun laying soft kisses upon my skin as the sand cradled my body. I was wrapped in the essence of bliss as I finally...relaxed. The pressure of perfection finally easing as I...released...every...care....breathing. I wrote earlier this week about how bad I've become about this simple practice, and in this moment realized that I had slipped back into my regular patterns of inability for respiration. Stress and anxiety steadily choking out my ability to breathe, now I was uncoiling the nerves from around my neck to simply be. 

From the waters edge I overheard the conversation between a child and his mother, regarding his brother, Summit: 

Kiddo: Summit! Summit don't play with the oil. 

(I don't think there was actually any oil in the water, but this kid was convinced there was something funky going on there.)

Kiddo: Summit! Stop! Stop that!

Mom: Hey, don't worry about him.

Kiddo: Ok...but I don't want him to catch disease. 

Kids are continuously my greatest gift from Papa to give me perspective on my place in life. They remind me how God views me, as a child: innocent, naive, and sometimes just dumb. It reminds me that even on my worst days, I am loved. When every move I make is a mistake, even in the times I think I am doing good, I may be disciplined, because he disciplines those he loves, but in the end.... I am still loved. Papa simply shakes his head, probably laughs at my toddling, and helps me get back up. I'm his child, that means I'm still learning how to do this holiness thing. I'm still learning what it means to show his love. And I fail...even in my best attempts I am going to fail. Yet even in my failures I'm often like that kid on the beach, worrying about everyone else. Saying "hey, stop that, don't play with the oil" (what oil!) "I don't want you to catch disease." And because I'm human and am going to continue to grow, I'm going to continue to make these mistakes. It almost seems a little hopeless. This idea of perfection that we're supposed to be being shaped into, but will never be able to obtain. 

However, slowly, I think I'm learning that that's the point. The fact that I am continually making these blunders just brings me back to the realization that I am so completely and totally dependent on Christ. I need grace. So maybe then the point of this life is not to obtain the so-called perfection that I am being shaped into, but rather learning how to pass out grace, of the lack of perfection in this life. Recognizing that I fail and having grace with myself, receiving grace from God. That spreads that I may have grace with others. Knowing we're all trying, we're all failing, and there's grace for us all. That removes the stamp of stress and anxiety. It restores freedom to try, try, and makes it ok to fail. Makes it ok to try things and not succeed, because it's expected. In all risk there is an expected loss as a possibility. However, if we never try we never know. Grace gives us the freedom to take risks, because even if we fail, it's ok,  and we can pick ourselves up and try again. What is a full life with out the lessons learned from our unknowing? 

Letting go of all my striving for perfectionism....ever so slowly embracing the ability to try.....to make mistakes....to be hurt....to get back up....try again....Freedom. 

Ecclesiastes 1

All Is Vanity

1 The words of the Preacher,[a] the son of David, king in Jerusalem.

2 Vanity[b] of vanities, says the Preacher,
    vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
3 What does man gain by all the toil
    at which he toils under the sun?
4 A generation goes, and a generation comes,
    but the earth remains for ever.
5 The sun rises, and the sun goes down,
    and hastens[c] to the place where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south
    and goes round to the north;
round and round goes the wind,
    and on its circuits the wind returns.
7 All streams run to the sea,
    but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
    there they flow again.
8 All things are full of weariness;
    a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
    nor the ear filled with hearing.
9 What has been is what will be,
    and what has been done is what will be done,
    and there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there a thing of which it is said,
    “See, this is new”?
It has been already
    in the ages before us.
11 There is no remembrance of former things,[d]
    nor will there be any remembrance
of later things[e] yet to be
    among those who come after.

The Vanity of Wisdom

12 I the Preacher have been king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 And I applied my heart[f] to seek and to search out by wisdom all that is done under heaven. It is an unhappy business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. 14 I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.[g]

15 What is crooked cannot be made straight,
    and what is lacking cannot be counted.

16 I said in my heart, “I have acquired great wisdom, surpassing all who were over Jerusalem before me, and my heart has had great experience of wisdom and knowledge.” 17 And I applied my heart to know wisdom and to know madness and folly. I perceived that this also is but a striving after wind.

18 For in much wisdom is much vexation,
    and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.

Sing like no one's watching...

Today I sang.
I know that doesn't sound like a big thing to some. I mean, I kind of sing all the time, at least subconsciously. However, today is the first time, in a long time, that I sat on a stage, microphone to my mouth, and belted my lungs towards an audience.
To some this isn't a big deal, but to those that have been following this musical renaissance in my life, they would know this is a big deal.
Growing up music became my life. It was an identity. Singing was something that shaped the very core of my being. An outlet...an art...a medium of worship. Then I got into high school and choir. Chamber choir, contests, all-state. It all wrapped up into this obsession with perfection. This obsession with being the best. Before long every fault I found in others' voices and my own pierced my ears. I could no longer sit in a concert hall and enjoy the melodies without critiquing the artist and performance. Upon hearing talent greater than my own, an overwhelming sense of jealousy came over me.
So I quit. I quit singing. I quit music all together. Refusing to sing in school, in a choir, even during worship at church. I had been so engulfed by this idea that if I couldn't be perfect, than I needed to just work harder or be better. The thought that my voice was enough...I was enough never crossed my mind. An obsession...in a sense, music became my god. And I knew this was wrong.
I had to get my priorities straight before I would allow myself to sing again, so I took a year off from everything. The next year I began singing in the shower....when I thought no one was around to hear...later I found out everyone could hear. The next year I started fiddling with a guitar... and now this summer I traveled to India, maybe with the soul purpose of singing with one little girl.
Then today I sang and played guitar at an open mic. I was nervous the whole day, and when 7 o'clock (the time of the mic) ticked, I was shaking in my boots. There were several people with guitars, ready to sing and share. Then my leader said, "Kayla, why don't you sign up first so that others will feel comfortable?"
Yikes! Was it not apparent that I was nervous as all get out?
Guess not. I shoot my head with intimidation, but signed up anyway. So I was first to go, ready to set the standard low.
Deep Breath. Finally the MC takes the stage.
I'm ready. Keep breathing.
He announces, and he announces a name other than mine.
The four year old girl in the back of the room trots up to the stage and takes the mic.
All acapella, she lets loose, "Twinkle, Twinkle, little star..."
Cuteness rushed over the room. Who knows if she was slightly off key or missed the rhythm. No one cared. No one noticed. It wasn't what or how she was singing that one the audience, it was the fact that she sang.
Then I heard a soft voice whisper to my heart, "That's how I feel about you."
Suddenly I realized, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter how it sounds, or if it's off. My guitar may be out of tune, but none of that matters. What matters is that I sang.
Sure, I'll try to hit the right notes and carry a tune in a bucket, but even if I don't the point is that I'm singing, and if I'm singing I will shine.
And all of us shined, as I got up and sang a song to my dear friend, as another girl sang a song she wrote (dang that takes guts, maybe some day), a friend read some poetry, and another guy rapped. As we did, Abba said, "I'm proud of you." The crowd agreed.
Sometimes we hide our gifts, our talents, because we're afraid of being judged or criticized. However, if we continue to hide them, what use are they. We may not always get it right, but the point is that we use them.

"Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works and praise your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:16

Peter

So Spirit lead me where my faith is with out borders. Let me walk upon the water wherever you may call me--Oceans by Hillsong

When Jesus renamed Simon, Peter, he was calling him "Little Rock." This is ironic, because at the end of the parable about the wise man who built his house up on the rock and the foolish man who built his house upon the sand, Jesus refers to himself as Petra, "Big Rock."  This name change wasn't to say that Peter had arrived at the "goal," but a prophesy of who he would become. This was a summons, a call, a promise to Peter that he was forming him into his likeness.With each step onto the water, Jesus was forming Peter into rock on which he would build his church. With each step towards Jesus, Peter was leaving behind the identity he found in Simon, the fisherman. He was finding a new identity as Peter, the Rock.

This has caused me to reflect on the identities the Lord has called me to leave behind in a pursuit to follow after him. With each step upon the water, I have left behind identities found in performance, guilt and shame, control, anger, image, fear,lies, and even calling. With each step I walk fuller in the light of an identity formed in authenticity, confidence, freedom, joy, belonging, courage, truth, and being. I am a child. I am made in the likeness. However, each step takes a fighting for. I have to be willing to leave behind all that I have ever known. All that that seems logical to walk in a new knowledge that defies rational and reasoning. I have to be willing to lay down my own thoughts, to walk in the faith that is set before me.

It is the hardest thing in the world, but Abba, if it is what will shape me into your likeness, bring it on. Take me deeper. Let me walk upon the waters, and when my mind slips back to where I use to be, catch me, guide me that I may radiate your glory. Because where I am weak, you are strong. When I slip, oh how your redemption, grace, and mercy is illuminated for the world to see. May I be a beacon of hope. May my life shine into the darkness, drawing wandering ships to the lighthouse.

Lake Superior

Sitting on the rocky cliff, my eyes gaze out across the horizon, which I can not see. Foggy, the lake stretches so far it's impossible to distinguish where the water ends and the sky begins. An expanse so great my only choice of action is to sit in awe-struck amazement.
Wow! I whisper beneath my breath, but even this cannot give justice to the beauty that I behold. It would have been better to stay silent, because there are no words to truly capture the sight that meets my eyes.

Then, carried on the wind, gently falling on my ears of my heart a whisper "I love you." And my breath is taken away. Shock and awe overwhelm me in the discovery that as infinite. As powerful as the sight displayed before my eyes, there is something bigger out there. There is a creator so vast that he holds in his hands the ability to mold this structure into existence. And yet I so small he created me as well and he loves me. He so in control of every single wave that crashes against the rock. And I so in control of nothing, but believing that somehow if I try hard enough I can control something, which only leads to chaos, confusion, and sorrow.
He calls me to trust.

I stand in awe. No words can express, but overcome a song stirs in my heart. "Oh how he loves us." The notes escape my lips. A tune ripping through my very being to capture the essence of what I see, feel, experience, yet can never express. I'm taken away.

I so small. He so large. I so insignificant. He infinite. I'm amazed and given the sweet assurance that everything will be ok. I am so prone to anxiety, feeding in to depression, all sourced by lies and deception that I can be in control and I strive, failing every time. But in this moment I feel the freedom to let go. Release the insecurity and let myself be loved. Embrace my inferiority. Surrender to security. Only to be found safe in a Holy Dwelling despite outside circumstance.

"Our God you have been our dwelling place through all generations...." Psalm 91:1

A Prayer of Moses

The Lord has been teaching me about home. Teaching me about belonging. More so, being at home in him. Belonging to him. That's all that matters. That's the purpose of our being and sometimes I am so quick to forget that simple truth. However, this Psalm by Moses spoke to me. It reminded me of who I am and who the Lord is. This passage is declaring, Lord you are our home. We dwell in you. In you we have being. You complete your purposes in our lives and we trust you. Teach us to trust you. Show us your wisdom. The more I study the Psalms, the more I recognize the theme of trust. These verses are written by people that have seen the dark side of the master plan, but they declare, I will trust. Though storms come, we will continue to dwell and trust in the Lord. 

Psalm 90

The Message (MSG)

A Prayer of Moses, Man of God

90 1-2 God, it seems you’ve been our home forever;
    long before the mountains were born,
Long before you brought earth itself to birth,
    from “once upon a time” to “kingdom come”—you are God.

3-11 So don’t return us to mud, saying,
    “Back to where you came from!”
Patience! You’ve got all the time in the world—whether
    a thousand years or a day, it’s all the same to you.
Are we no more to you than a wispy dream,
    no more than a blade of grass
That springs up gloriously with the rising sun
    and is cut down without a second thought?
Your anger is far and away too much for us;
    we’re at the end of our rope.
You keep track of all our sins; every misdeed
    since we were children is entered in your books.
All we can remember is that frown on your face.
    Is that all we’re ever going to get?
We live for seventy years or so
    (with luck we might make it to eighty),
And what do we have to show for it? Trouble.
    Toil and trouble and a marker in the graveyard.
Who can make sense of such rage,
    such anger against the very ones who fear you?

12-17 Oh! Teach us to live well!
    Teach us to live wisely and well!
Come back, God—how long do we have to wait?—
    and treat your servants with kindness for a change.
Surprise us with love at daybreak;
    then we’ll skip and dance all the day long.
Make up for the bad times with some good times;
    we’ve seen enough evil to last a lifetime.
Let your servants see what you’re best at—
    the ways you rule and bless your children.
And let the loveliness of our Lord, our God, rest on us,
    confirming the work that we do.
    Oh, yes. Affirm the work that we do!

I'm a child of God

Reading 1 John today. It starts off talking about the revelation of Jesus. How he is the light. The life. The Son of God. It continues to describe how we are found in him, and if we say we are not sinful, we lie and can't be found in sin, but if we confess sins, then we belong to Christ. We are children of God.

I struggle with worry and anxiety. I struggle hard. Concerned, confused, contemplating what my go wrong, and become wrapped up in a ball of high-strung mess. I'm sinful. I don't trust. However, I am a child of God. The Lord knows how far I have to go, but he also sees how far I've come. He's called me to holiness, and only in seeing my brokeness can I be made whole.

So today I'm trusting. I am a child of God, and into my Papa's arms I leap. Day after day, until I'm unafraid. Until I can trust in wholeness. Completeness. until one day I find the glory of being able to fly, because I believed what he said. With Him all things are possible.

Abba, thank you that I'm on my way. I'm not there yet. But I am in process. Thanks for not giving up on me. Day by day, you are calling me to you. Amen. 

Sarah's Daughters

5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves.They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.- 1 Peter 3:5-6

This passage has not left my mind since I first read it a couple days ago. 
It comes out of the passage where Paul is telling women to submit to their husbands and the prelude to this passage in 1 Peter 2 talks about living Godly lives in a pagan world. It talks about submitting to others that will push you down, hurt you, do things that make you feel disrespected and rejected. It says, submit, because that's what Christ did for us. He submitted even unto death on a cross. 

It talks about slaves obeying masters, servants obeying bosses, and then finally wives submitting to husbands, and husbands loving wives. When the pagans treat you poorly, submit, so that the love of Christ may be shown in you. 

I don't know about anyone else, but when it comes to survival I tend towards the fight rather than flight mechanism. When I am feeling pushed down, overwhelmed, walked-on-like-a-door-mat, the last thing I want to do is submit. In fact I tend to harbor it all inside, and get passive aggressive until it explodes (that is vulnerability and honesty, guess there are some truths you need to accept about yourself and work to be better in). This is so natural,  To rise up and seek vengance. However, to risk being cliche, I don't think it's what Jesus would do. 

Jesus, as a lamb lead to slaughter submitted himself unto death. And that is our call as co-heirs with Christ, to take on the humility of a little lamb. To become the sacrifice. Notice, the last part of verse 6 says do not give way to fear. When we see what is happening, when we feel the words of death being lashed upon us, our initial reaction is to fight. Like a fearful lamb, it will turn. It will try to run. It will try to have it's own way. It will cling to ever last bit of life, and that is the way we are. However, we are called to more, and that is to lose our life. To willingly embrace our place as the sacrifice, that the whole world may know salvation through us. 

That is how we are called to love "the world." However, what happens when it comes time to love one another? What happens when it is time to lay down our lives for our brother and sisters in Christ. When it's someone in the world, so often we pass it off as "I'm gonna take this so you see Jesus in me." But what if our own brother or sister is struggling and lashes out, insults, or rejects us? What then? Do we cast judgement or do we do the same, recognizing that until we are met up in glory there is still a little piece of the world in us. The world is not our home. Yes, we are made new, but still this is where we are at and we are all being transformed into His likeness. Anyone that has been in a time of transition and transformation knows it hurts. That's where growth happens, in the muck, in the darkness, in the valley. And as most we are so prone to fear. However, Paul says do not fear. Even when others around you aren't acting as they should. Even when you are tempted  to avoid grace with others, have grace, because then they may see the Lord in you and be transformed. Do not fear, because this is how Christ loved the church. He embraced his death to give life and we are coheirs, finding life as we lose ours. We are being taken from glory to glory together as we have grace with one another and walk on this journey to the new life. 

Faith and Failure

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

This question was posed on the 'Bou' Board at a coffee shop I sat at yesterday. It was a good question. One I took time to contemplate. Ironically, it kind of fit in to the theme "Fear not" the Lord has been taking me through. As I mulled the question over in my mind, I began to compile a list:
1) Train for a 5K
2) Open a Store
3) Leave the country
...
The list continued. Then I saw an opposing question lingering beneath the first:
If you know you will not fail, where is the challenge?

Again, good point. I sat there, and very softly I felt a tug at my heart saying, "if you know you will not fail, where is the faith?" And it struck me. That's the whole point. Faith enables us to do the impossible. It's not meant to help us accomplish what we can do on our own. It's to accomplish the divine.
So what about the times when we step out in faith and we fail anyway? What then? I've been struggling through lots of regret lately. Not on times where I didn't step out in faith, but where I did and it ended...well...not quite as expected. Expectation and reality collided and I found myself disappointed. So what do I do with that? When I obey. When my human attempts to have faith in the impossible leave me feeling empty, and perplexed on why? That's also where faith comes in.

It is impossible for what to be seen as failure to be used for anything good. It is impossible for our stumbling to lead to standing in the end. However, with faith it does. Faith is trusting the Lord, not only for boldness to step out and do the impossible, but also to trust that somethings will be used despite what we see. It's trusting, that when we are obeying to the best of our abilities and know how, then the Lord is pleased, and things will go according to plan.

The Word says "Do not worry. You're more valuable than a bird." However, I'm so slow to believe that. But it is the truth. If I am more valuable than a bird, and the Lord even takes care of birds, then what do I need to worry about, whether money, or food, past or future. Nothing can separate me from the Love of God. The Lord is working. I don't know how. I don't need to know how. I just need to know him, and that's enough to know that the impossible is attainable. 

God is Omnipotent

While in India the woman, Joyce Meyers, kept on being talked about by the ladies on my team. Reference after reference was made to words of wisdom gleaned from this powerhouse woman. Now, this is not the first time I have been with a group of people slightly obsessed with Joyce Meyers. No, indeed, I have had several people that have loved the teachings of this woman, and have encouraged me to join the following. I, with a streak of carnal rebellion, have been resisting the movement. However, when I hear so much good about the woman for about a month and a half. Then I return to the states where I hear even more, curiosity must be peaked.  So, I have jumped on the Joyce Meyer band wagon, and have started reading Battlefield of the Mind. Wow! That is pretty much the best way to summarize this book. Everyday, it has so perfectly targeted my life, that it can't be anything but the Lord directing me to this book.

Today I was reading Chapter 10 on having a confused mind, and it really seemed to fit in with this journey the Lord has been leading me on of simply knowing Him. That is the source of everything we do.When we know God, we begin to understand everything in life from a new perspective, and perspective has the power to change our life. When we are living and surrendering in the battle, our minds begin to wander and we become confused. Our thoughts may dwell on the past, either wishing we were still there, or worrying about what has happened. That our our minds dwell on the future, wondering what will happen, which leads to worrying about what will happen.

Wisdom from Joyce "We must be satisfied in knowing the One who knows even when we do not know."

The fact is that we will never know! We don't really know everything about our past. We will never know the impact it has had. In the same way, we will never know our future. Only the Lord knows what is ahead. For me this is a constant battle. I worry. I worry about what I have done. I worry about what I am doing. I worry about the future. I need control. I need the details. At least that's what I think I need. However, only "one thing is needed" (Luke 10:38-42). That is to sit, be still, and know my God. He has had the details all worked out from the beginning. He is simply calling me to day by day get to know him and to trust him. 

Pacem in Terris

Why are we afraid to be alone? After all, you're alone, when you're alone. No one else there. Nothing to fear. But maybe that in it's self is worth fearing. By ourselves, no one else's thoughts and we are left alone to face the fact that we ourselves are the ones to fear. The endless racing of thought after thought comes streaming in to our raging mind. What's not to fear? What will we find, when left with ourselves, with no "to do" list? No screaming kids? No other voices calling for our attention in the break of day. That is when we find ourselves for what we are, for who we are, and that is what makes us afraid.

That is what I found, sitting in my rocking chair, staring out the picture window of my little cottage hut. In the middle of the big woods, just me and the Lord. Though I have had nothing to do for weeks, anxiety has still come to attack me, and here, all alone, I find the anxiety is from me. The voices raging are all my own as I sit and contemplate over and over and over again the bane of my existence.

Then a sigh. Every word's been said. Every worry wrought. And a gentle whisper below the waves of my worry, so gently whispers in my ear, "You are mine." I hear the peaceful coo, but can barely believe it.

Maybe not an audible voice, but surely the sensation of an overwhelming peace has come over me, and what is this feeling? Serenity? "My Beloved."

Oh how long it's been since I've heard those words. I say in guest "It's been a long time since you called me that."

You reply, without guest "It's been a long times since you've been listening."

A melancholy phrase resonating with in my soul. Indeed, it has been a long time and this saddens me. How long had it been since I simply sat, without a worry or a "to do" list, but simply me? To sit in the quiet, my soul laid bare in the blessed assurance that I am Beloved. The identity that once was mine, still was mine, but some how muffled by my messy chaos. How could I forget the sweet promise of all I am? Yes here I am, admitting that this basic core has been buried alive and I don't know how long it's been since I've seen it. Suffocating, squelched, gasping for a breath of life which breeds truth and wholeness. It's been lost for so long and so have I as I forget it's existence. Wanting more. Striving for more. Begging to be more. When Beloved is the essential to anything that could come next. Praying, build me. Grow me stretch me. I'm ready to move on. Yet never realizing that my foundation is in the basics so from the basics I cannot go.

I am the Beloved. I am my Beloved's and he is mine. (Song of Solomon 6:3).

So here I sit. Basking in the truth. Peace that passes understanding all surrounding. I am Beloved.
Out of this basic truth, the life blood flows, for I know that nothing is accomplished without it.
How can I love my brother, my sister, that homeless child across the street, unless I have first been loved.
We love him, because she first loved us (1 John 4: 19)
Wasn't it even Jesus who it was said "This is my beloved son." Then he went out doing his miracles. Acts of love for the people. It was after, not before, because even the Son of Man had to be loved in order to love. Am I better than God?

So I will sit. Remembering my way. Finding myself in the one who gave himself all for me. I surrender my anxieties, one by one, and finally find I am light by the glory of the Son.