Point of Perspective

If I were to say that work has been busy lately, that would be a lie. Now, if I were to say work has been crazy beyond compare; each new day  is the new worst-day-of-work-ever; and it feels like the only way I know how to communicate anymore is fighting: That is a more accurate description of work lately.

In short: The week started with yet another co-worker quitting (that makes 3 for last week). Being under-staffed, I worked and overnight shift during what should have been my day off. Yesterday I had to take a kid to the hospital who slipped on the ice. Then on the way to the hospital I crashed the company car when a little-old Vietnamese man put his Toyota into the driver-side door. Needless to say I did not get out of work until very late. 

Chaos may be an understatement. I am exhausted. 

However, in the midst of processing all the crazy one solid truth stuck out (Or pointed out by my mentor): This is my choice. No one is making me work this job. Most people think I should quit. But in the end it is my choice. 

As cliche as it may sound: it's for the kids. Work worth doing is never easy. However, the determination factor of success or failure is often perspective. If this job is being forced upon me, there would be no way out. Though chaos renders the feeling of lost control, in the end I always have control of my choice to stay where I am or move on. 

It's all about perspective. 

I was listening to yet another 3DM Devotional this morning and the Pastor was speaking about Peace. Peace is the gift Christ gave us when he returned to heaven. However, this is unlike the world's Peace. The world would define Peace as the absence of chaos. True Peace is steadfastness in the midst of chaos. Like when the disciples were in the boat screaming, "Jesus don't you care about us?" And Jesus spoke into the storm. We forget who is walking with us. We forget that the one who calms the storms is with us, so even if he doesn't calm the storm it will be OK. We can keep our eyes on Jesus and know that he is with us, guiding us. True peace does not come from controlling our life, or even controlling our anxiety. It comes from letting go. Surrendering to the one who does control all. 

Grace and thanks

When was the last time I counted my blessings? Earlier this year I was reading a book all about this subject and how gratitude has the power to bring healing to our lives. With in just a few short months I seem to have forgotten every lesson learned. Though still in my head, it has taken a toll trying to transcend into my heart. It's a discipline, to write, to think: What are the blessings on my door step? I forget that only I have the power to see the good in my life. But not  just to look at my life, but to see the good in others. One step at a time. Counting my blessings. I've been struggling to do this. But I'm going to make a point. Before every meal, to stop, breathe, center myself and say thanks. When I was little we said "grace" before meals. But isn't that what gratitude is, saying the graces that are brought into our lives? When we see the light, the world doesn't seem so dark. I'm choosing thankfulness. 

expectations

We all have that in our heads. The ideal. Those thoughts that say "it should be..." or "could be..." It's the pre writing of our own story we play in our heads. Our thoughts before life events,  we're so often unaware of the record playing over and over in the soundtrack of our minds.
Then suddenly reality collides with our picture perfect expectations and suddenly,  often surprisingly,  we are met with disappointment. After all, how can the real world ever compare with reality, like Britain and Narnia for the Pevensie children.
The world is not magic, there is disappointment, chaos, and confusion.
However God is still good.
When expectation meets reality, we are given the choice to either embrace disappointment or letting go. Let go of the expectations.  Our ideas of perfection and let the Lord reveal the perfection he is working.
To see the beauty in the world is an art.
To see the joy is to embrace a gift.
To name it is to offer Thankfulness for what has been offered.
So many times in the Bible the Lord is declared and shown to be above the chaos of our lives. Life is chaotic. It often does not make sense. We can't deny that. However our Lord is order amongst the disorder. He makes sense amongst our storm.
 Be still and know that I am God. -Psalm 46:10

August Thankfulness challenge

I've mentioned earlier this year reading the book 1000 gifts. And since then started keeping a Thankfulness journey. Being plagued with anxiety since I was a little girl, I've been seeking breakthrough this year.

Eucharist deo...The theme of this book.

Thankfulness always proceeds the miracle.

I'm choosing to try my hand at the discipline, instead of seeking the healing, seeking Jesus. Praising him for the gifts he give. Worship exalting all he has shown himself to be in my life.
I seek to be come disciplined in this area, and though am not pwrfect, many days forgetting my journal, still in process of disciplining my mind to acknowledge the Lord's blessings.

Today, while scrolling through my Facebook news feed I discovered that there is a special Thankfulness Challenge through the month of August. So in disciplining myself, I'm choosing to participate and inviting everyone else to join in.

Confession time

It's confession time. Okay. here we go.
Confession: I hate being told I'm in the wrong. Big surprise,  right? I hate correction. I hate people saying, hey you're screwing up. You need to change. I hate hate loathe despise (insert angry verb here) it. Who does? Who really enjoys being held accountable?  To be told that we're anything less than the perfection we would like to believe we are? I don't. And worst is that I don't take it very well. My initial reaction is to get angry and fight. I get defensive,  putting on my warrior girl boots and am ready to take out my friends (who really do care and have my best interests in mind, but heck if I'd believe it in the moment).

The worst is when I get called on the carpet on ways I know I'm screwing up. Then I'm not only ready to fight, but simply shut down the conversation "I know! Mind your own business. I can handle this." When in fact if I know and it's still an issue, I'm clearly too overwhelmed to be doing what I need to to fix the problem, and need help. So the real issue is pride. And isn't that the root of it all.

Confession: I struggle with pride. I like to think I'm right, when so often I'm actually wrong. I push people down and shut them out until I no longer have anyone to hold me accountable. I hurt people.

So here's my confession and my apology:  I am sinful and I wrestle with pride. It hurts people, especially those I care about most. And I'm sorry. I want to change and I need help. The process is slow. It won't be overnight, but it's time to stop hiding behind walls and start walking in vulnerability, accepting criticism and choosing change.

--"if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. "--1 John 1:9

Kizomba

Kizomba.
A Breath.
1.2.3.
Dance.
One from two.
Movement
Rhythm felt
Not
Formula.
Constant
connection
Ebbs
The flow of
Union.
Harmony.
Trust.

Breath.
Prayer of life.
Exhale
Anxiousness.
In
Peace and hope.
Push out
Sustaining
Self.
Inhaling
Rely.
Ebbs and flows
Need.
Dependent
Thankfulness
Trust.

Pray.
Spirit dance.
Life.
Aligning
To the
Source of all.
Heart
Not just words.
Listen.
Communion.
Ebbs
And flows the
Rhythms
Of a song
Building
Trust.


Pray without ceasing--1 thessalonians 5:17

The master's hand

It starts as a canvas. A blank piece of fabric stretched across the board. Then inspiration. A sketch. Then a stroke of color. Paint layered upon paint. Finally finished and laid away to be admired long after the artist's time.

I have never had much interest in art history. I love to create. Paint. Get my hands messy in the work of beauty. However, the study? Never has caught my fancy. To study beauty is one thing, but to study the art of someone else is another.

However,  tonight I watched a documentary talking about the works of Leonardo da Vinci, and quite frankly I have been drawn into amazement. The research and techniques to prove the validity of a work are truly where art and science collide. The testing of the canvas. The paint. Even recreation of a work. A forger must be aware of every element, including stains to the back of a canvas created trough car less transportation and display over time.

The details to account are innumerable, and Leo was a artist of superior technique. His attention to detail derived from a desire to place reality on a canvas. The pigments, shading, single haired brush strokes painting eyelashes. Amazing.

Layers upon layers of paint on wood. Lefthanded brusgstrokes, and even the spreading paints with his fingertips.
Signature work. His fingerprints are literally all over his most famous works.

And all I could think is how complex. Every inch of his work was done with intention. Purpose.

How much more my maker's intentions with me. Every inch so delicately,  and complicated pieced together. Could a forger every truly replicate.  How do I doubt my perfection.

Papa, teach me to truly see the Beaty of your mastery. May I see the layers of intention you spread over my life, and may you constantly remind me of your hand print on my life. Amen 

All my needs

The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?--Psalm 27:1

Meditating on this passage, I'm becoming even more aware of the Lord's provision, his faithfulness,  and its effect on my life. 

This past weekend was expensive. I was anticipating it being a little pricey. I took a road trip home to spend time with the family.  However, when my tire blew out in the middle of the interstate,  my weekend became a little more expensive than anticipated. Not only does this mean I need new tires, but it's finally time to admit that I need a whole new car. This is the third major issue I've had this year, and from the sounds of it, I'm pretty sure my engine may go any moment. Maybe it's time to retire the "first car" and move up a little in life. 
This takes money....However, somehow all I feel is peace. I feel a certainty that God will provide what I need, when I need it. How? Because I've witnessed and experienced his provision,  building a confidence that God is my provider...at least physically.  When it comes to my physical needs, trusting comes almost naturally. 
But when it comes to emotional....
Mental....
Spiritual....
Now there I am a doubting Thomas. 
I fear....
I fear abandonment...rejection...immaturity....stress....depression....anxiety....church...family....
Oh how far I have come in the one area, how far I have to go in the others.  

However, this I know, Christ came to give life to the fullest. He came not simply to heal my physical body and needs. He came not simply to raise my body from the dead, but my emotions, mind,  and spirit. 

If I can bear witness to the provision of all my physical need,  it is the sowing of a seed of trust. Trust that he will provide for ALL my needs. 

Tumetoka Mbali

A few years ago I was attending a church with a large Kenyan community. And while i was there I learned the phrase "Tumetoka Mbali."

I was told the best translation of this phrase from Swahili is "look how far we've come."
 It's a phrase representing the process of reflection in which we compare the past with the present and find ourselves saying "wow! I'm no longer there."
And thus is the season I feel I'm finding myself in.  a season of Tumetoka Mbali.

Over the past year a lot in my life has changed. From one transition to another, I have been soaring, and since my graduation from high school I must admit that's a consistent trend. I feel like there's a constant force, stretching,  growing, changing me. And I must admit, those points of transition are hard. They're stressful. Anxiety provoking. However, it's the journey that has brought me to where I am today.

I was chatting with a mentor friend today. A woman that has played major roles in this process of several pinnacles over the past few years. We sat, enjoyed each other's company and talked about all the memories. All the good things, the hard things, the dumb things, and the things that left us dumbstruck. As there was a sigh in the conversation only one thing came to mind.

Tumetoka Mbali

Look how far we've come.

Isn't that the beauty of life.  I was again listening to these awesome 3dm devotionals and a point made was: I am not just saved. But I was saved. I'm being saved. And I will be saved.

I grasped onto the hope of salvation. I had that initial moment of realizing grace given, the life preserver thrown into the ocean and I latched on.

But it didn't stop there. Everyday I am called to continually recognize the grace extended. God doesn't want to just take me from one great conversion moment to the next. He wants to take me on a journey where I am continually experiencing and grasping new aspects of this love. He wants me to relish in new graces daily until finally I am perfected in the knowledge of that beautiful amazing grace.

And it's at points and seasons like this where he calls me into Selah. He brings me into a pause. Moment of quiet reflection.

Tumetoka Mbali.

Look how far we've come.

Papa, I thank you. I thank you that you have me on this journey. I thank you that you steady me, pressing me onward up this jagged cleft called life. One shaking, fearful step at a time you lead me and give me peace. I thank you that you bring me to resting points where I may pause in amazement of the thus far. I thank you that someday I will stand on the top of this cliff and be amazed at the view, taking in the vast colors of the sunset painting the valley in your glory. SELAH. 

Fruit

A tree is known by its fruit.-Luke 6:44.

Trees are beautiful, mystical things. A symbol of anticipation. In winter, seemingly dead, storing up energy and nutrients for the rest of the year. Spring it Burts into blossoms abloom. Summer growing, emerging, developing, sprouting. And finally in the fall there is a bountiful harvest of produce.

Figs are my personal favorite. However, I have wonderful memories of gathering apples in my family's' backyard and later roaming orchards. For a while our neighbors had a pear tree, until they cut it down.

Trees trees trees. All different, but all trees, and so it says "you know a tree by its fruit." The fact of the matter is that I'm never going to pick a fig out from under my mom's apple tree. It's never in a million years going to happen. Though I'd like it to, and if I knew a way to make that apple tree start producing figs, know that I would. However, it can't and it never will, because it's an apple tree and apple trees produce apples.

I was listening to the 3dm podcasts today and they went into the next chapter in Luke, where Jesus is questioned about his leadership and that of John the Baptists. And it goes back to fruit. He says "John the Baptist came fasting from bread and wine and you say he has a demon. However, the son of man came eating bread and drinking wine and you say he's a glutton and a sinner. However wisdom is proved by her children."
Jesus and John both carried a divine purpose in the hands of God. However, because of the difference in purpose their lives looked very different. However both were judged. In the verses prior it describes the people as seeing John as too radical so they strove to play some party music and set out hourderves (total paraphrase) to liven his spirit. Make him not take things so seriously. However, the same people saw Jesus as too radical and they turned on the funeral music, trying to convince him to tone it down.  Like me trying to turn my apple trees into fig trees, these people saw their leadership and exclaimed "hey, that doesn't look like how I want it!" And in their judgements sought to change Jesus and John.
But a tree is known by its fruit.
Jesus knew who he was, and I am assuming John did as well. They knew their purpose on earth and sought to bear fruit that bared such.

In church this past Sunday the pastor challeneged: what is your purpose? In life? In your relationships?  The Lord does not cause happenings to occur by accident. Everything has a reason. When we discover the purspose, we able to align ourselves accordingly and fruit is produced. We don't seek to produce figs or pears. We produce apples, because we are apple trees and producing apples is our purpose. And for all those who cast judgment, desiring us to be different, there opinions don't seem to matter.
Only time tells the fruit we produce. We cannot merely preach "this is the fruit I produce." Though an apple tree seedling may come with a tag saying "hey, I produce apples." Only time will tell it's true fruit. If it's an apple tree it will produce apples, but if it's a fig tree it's simply a fig tree wearing the wrong tag.
The only way to truly know our own fruit is to listen to the Father. Hear his voice, meditate on his words of purpose,  and follow through the doors he opens, confident. Above all we have to trust. Listen and trust. Listen to the purpose he places on our hearts and trust as we follow his tender leading.

I feel I am in a season of definition, allowing Papa to define my purpose. Surrending who I think I should be (whether that's due expectations or labels have put upon me, or my desire to be something else) and embracing who he's truly made me to be, no matter the thoughts of those around me. For I really am a fig tree, though I strive to be an apple like those around me. Now is the time to lay aside the desire and expectation. Now is the time to stop talking about the fruit I want to produce. Now is the time to live and in due time the fruit will harvest. Let the world watch. Now is the time shine and Glorify Papa as I was Intended. 

Coconut Lavender Face Wash

It's been a while since I've posted a good ol' diy. However, this week I ran out of face wash and I just love the idea of using all natural products on your skin. So I did some research and adlibbed with some of the ingredients.  However what I came up with has left my skin so soft and clean, I may not go back to store bought wash.

Coconut Lavender exfoliating face wash

1/2 jar coconut oil
3 tbsp raw honey
1 cup raw sugar
5-6 drops lavender essential oils

Place honey in jar with coconut oil. Microwave 30 seconds or until liquid. Add sugar and oil. Stir.

Directions for use: wet face, take a quarter sized amount of wash and scrub over face. Let set for 2-3 minutes. Rinse :) when I get too much I simply rub the rest over my arms and legs for glowing skin all over.

relationship and representation

I've really been getting into these podcast devotionals by 3dm ministries (seriously, if you haven't heard them, look them up) and in the past month we've been going through the book of Luke,  taking it step by step, discovering how it applies to our lives.
Bouncing off the idea of having grace for one another and grace for ourselves,  today I was listening to Luke 6 and they brought up the idea of relationship vs. Religion. I grew up in church, so trust me when I say I'm familiar with the age old debate of "my faith is not religion it is relationship." However,  how often do I actually stop and think about what that means. Am I just spewing words that match my dogma or am I living in a way that emanates a life walking with Christ.

I was talking with someone dear to my heart today and they were telling me their story of how they had grown up in a very strict religious structure, set with rules with what it means to be a follower of Christ. It could not be denied that members of this faith tradition were followers in every way they knew how, but they struggled to live up to the standard that was dictated to them.

The tradition I grew up in so often strives to bycombat affiliation with these rules and regulations to religion that they find the word religion offensive. If anyone were to suggest they were apart of a "religious group" again they would spat "it's not about religion, but relationship" still they have a list of things they won't do, won't go, won't say, not because it's sin, but because abstaining will supposedly keep you from sinning.   So similar to the brothers they are ready to condemn.

Even in my own life I have my list of should and should nots,  because somewhere along the line a seed was planted saying something is wrong. So I follow without question, though I'm given no answer of the truth behind the laws of my life.

And when I slip up, as I do often, I am condemned, as are all the other religion or nonreligious types. Overwhelmed by the weight of my tightly wound standard that sinches up the loopholes of the gospel, I find myself choking on what I thought was supposed to give me life...and life to the fullest.

Meanwhile I hear the still small voice whisper, it really is about relationship.  In my mind I think I am living in the light of relationship,  but truth be told, I am still harnessing a noose of rules. And as I do, I feel my Papas hands loosening the rope to say, this is not life. He welcomes and says come get to know me. Do not fret about the should and should nots. Instead spend time in my presence and when the time is right I will show you what to do. The more we spend time in his presence, the stronger the relationship, and the better able we are to represent him.
And yea, at times it may appear that we are living to "that standard" However it will come from a heart of knowing what's right, knowing the heart of the one we repreaent. And the rest we can let go.
The better I know my Papa, the better I can make him known. No rules, no regulations, simply relationship and representation.  

Grace for Self and Others

I was sitting on the beach the other day, spending some time with Papa. After a busy weekend of friends, time off (which generally means a slew of social interactions and no alone time), art fest, church, etc. etc. ironically I had had no time with the Lord (just me and the Lord that is). So desiring desperately to work on my tan before my brother's wedding, I hit the beach. 

I found a spot between two other ladies, they said it was empty. I laid out my colorful blanket I got in India last year, and simply laid there. The sun laying soft kisses upon my skin as the sand cradled my body. I was wrapped in the essence of bliss as I finally...relaxed. The pressure of perfection finally easing as I...released...every...care....breathing. I wrote earlier this week about how bad I've become about this simple practice, and in this moment realized that I had slipped back into my regular patterns of inability for respiration. Stress and anxiety steadily choking out my ability to breathe, now I was uncoiling the nerves from around my neck to simply be. 

From the waters edge I overheard the conversation between a child and his mother, regarding his brother, Summit: 

Kiddo: Summit! Summit don't play with the oil. 

(I don't think there was actually any oil in the water, but this kid was convinced there was something funky going on there.)

Kiddo: Summit! Stop! Stop that!

Mom: Hey, don't worry about him.

Kiddo: Ok...but I don't want him to catch disease. 

Kids are continuously my greatest gift from Papa to give me perspective on my place in life. They remind me how God views me, as a child: innocent, naive, and sometimes just dumb. It reminds me that even on my worst days, I am loved. When every move I make is a mistake, even in the times I think I am doing good, I may be disciplined, because he disciplines those he loves, but in the end.... I am still loved. Papa simply shakes his head, probably laughs at my toddling, and helps me get back up. I'm his child, that means I'm still learning how to do this holiness thing. I'm still learning what it means to show his love. And I fail...even in my best attempts I am going to fail. Yet even in my failures I'm often like that kid on the beach, worrying about everyone else. Saying "hey, stop that, don't play with the oil" (what oil!) "I don't want you to catch disease." And because I'm human and am going to continue to grow, I'm going to continue to make these mistakes. It almost seems a little hopeless. This idea of perfection that we're supposed to be being shaped into, but will never be able to obtain. 

However, slowly, I think I'm learning that that's the point. The fact that I am continually making these blunders just brings me back to the realization that I am so completely and totally dependent on Christ. I need grace. So maybe then the point of this life is not to obtain the so-called perfection that I am being shaped into, but rather learning how to pass out grace, of the lack of perfection in this life. Recognizing that I fail and having grace with myself, receiving grace from God. That spreads that I may have grace with others. Knowing we're all trying, we're all failing, and there's grace for us all. That removes the stamp of stress and anxiety. It restores freedom to try, try, and makes it ok to fail. Makes it ok to try things and not succeed, because it's expected. In all risk there is an expected loss as a possibility. However, if we never try we never know. Grace gives us the freedom to take risks, because even if we fail, it's ok,  and we can pick ourselves up and try again. What is a full life with out the lessons learned from our unknowing? 

Letting go of all my striving for perfectionism....ever so slowly embracing the ability to try.....to make mistakes....to be hurt....to get back up....try again....Freedom. 

stress and the body

Today I got a massage. Seriously. There was a point in my life where I thought I would never do this,  but today I bought a massage and it was probably one of the most spiritually rich experiences. I went to my friend, Kevin,  at Detox Massage, where he focuses on the body, mindy, and spirit as being connected.  So cool. If you're familiar with ASOZO prayer ministry.  imagine that with a massage. 

I originally contacted Kevin, because as I'm going back into the serving field I've been doing some reading on self care. During the break I took from the field I recognized some areas in my life where I was pr acting poorly. I have a tendency to get into a completely missional focus and become an army seal trying to save the world. I get the mentality that there are to many things in the world we need to fix to enjoy a massage (or insert another pleasure in life here). I know there are several budding abolitionists,  activists, and world changers out there with the same view. They're all probably saying amen to my view point. But let me say after 2 years working in direct care and a year interning with crisis, I know that this isn't healthy. Yes, the world is full of evil. Yes it is evil when good people do nothing. But a greater evil is not stopping to embrace the good and let go of the bad. When we spend our entire lives working to fight the evil, we run the risk of being swallowed by the darkness and having our spirits die. I've been there and now coming near the other side of recovery I'm looking how to do this "helping profession" thing differently. 

I also contacted Kevin, because at my last dance class I was encouraged to straighten my posture. As I did this I realized that it hurt to straighten my back. After years of walking with a little slouch it feels unnatural and literally painful to stand up straight. And something I have learned in my short amount of life is that most of what is experienced in the mind and the spirit is made manifest in the body, and what is made habit in the body is ingrained in the mind and spirit. So I decided I was going to start working this out. 

I'm a clumsy novice when it comes to massage so I was unsure of what to wear, where to sit/lay, what to do in general, but Kevin was a saint and guided me through the process. Finally situated, we began the session with prayer and the Holy Spirit undeniably led the session. 

As Kevin worked, he noted areas where I was carrying stress and tension. 

"Have you ever been in a car accident?" he asked. I thought about it. Yes, but the last car accident I was in was 12 years ago. We're my muscles really showing the symptoms of an injury so long ago? If my body and muscles carry such memories how much more my mind and spirit the tension over the years. Even things I thought I have let go and healed from, could there still he work to be done in these areas?

Another thing I noticed is that he frequently had to remind me to breathe. Wow!  A basic function of life, yet something I appear to be so amature at, taking in breath. Taking in life. How did it get to the point where something so basic had become so hard? 

So here's to healing. I left feeling amazed. Feeling refreshed. Full of perspective and hope. 

Today I am thankful for Kevin. Anyone looking for a massage, stress relief, or prayer, totally check out detox massage in uptown Minneapolis.  

Stewarding Friendship

This week my phone died. Yes, my cellular device, a constant addiction. Distraction. My source of connection to the world killed. 5 times in 2 days. Memory erased, contacts destroyed. I would have all my friends send me their numbers just to have them lost again. I couldn't be happier.

I lost numbers, facebook, instagram, snap chat, all my photos. The only thing left is my ability to call/textfriends. E-mail, and my calendar. And yet, I feel this is the best thing that could happen to me.

With so much connection, I find myself overwhelmed. Always checking the latest message. In a group of physical people never present. This didn't just happen, it came on slowly, but now I'm addicted and circumstance has caused me to give up cold turkey, and I don't think I'll go back.

The first day of cell phone crash, I was talking with my friend who shared that social media can cause depression and suicidal ideation. Because we're constantly checking it to see if anyone messaged us and no one usually has, then it's like being in a group of people that are ignoring us (mind you this is from a friend, I haven't checked the validity). However, on top of that, I have noticed in myself the constant draw to be online, be with people, even though I could be with the people I'm with. It's an escape from society...and I use it to bandage my social anxiety. However, could it be that my vice, instead of helping me escape from one awkward social experience is just plunging me into another....?

Even on days when I am constantly recieving messages. Facebook, text from mom, instagram, snapchat, text from friend, answer all, e-mail check. Repeat. How often do I find myself so overwhelmed with the notifications demands of a devise that my heard begins to palpitate at exhilerating speeds and I must admit I'm anxious beyond belief. I can't compete to meet the demands.

Not to mention the numbers of numbers I don't ever even use. Who is that friend on facebook? I must know them from somewhere. That one time. Must have been a great time, but who are you? Same with my phone. Who is Jessica P? I know we were friends...right?

Is it really healthy to be hanging on to all these relationships? Trying to make them work. Fighting my way through? For me? I don't think so. Though facebook is a wonderful too. I use it to send my sister cute pictures and let my mom see my life in the cities. I can even coordinate group events with a single message. But do I need it all the time? I don't think so, so Adios.
And Rachel, I love your cat, but I've decided I shouldn't be escaping uncomfortable social situations by perusing all of the videos on snap chat. Finally instagram....I really don't think I need 10000 pictures of peoples food on my phone. So I'm letting go.

As for my contacts. I've been praying. Papa, in this season who are you wanting me to connect with, pour into. Who are my people. I think he's answering.The numbers I have and will have are meant to be for now. The ones I lost, I guess the season is over for now. Time to start pouring in where I am to the people I'm with. No more distractions. 

Idolizing Relationships...or the lack there of

Instagram ring shots. Facebook engagement photos. Wedding invitations arriving in the mail. Even my own baby brother is getting married this summer. Yes. Love is in the air, and with that, the parade of blogposts strolling through my news feed on topics such as "How to love your husband," "Things to look for in dating," "Worth the wait." 

Then, of course, to balance all these articles, we have a mirad of "Don't make marriage your idol," "I kissed dating goodbye," "I'm single and taking on the world," "Why wait.""Singleness is a gift." Articles for the single people out here, to remind us that our day will come, or encouraging us to be thankful that it hasn't yet, because then we can do whatever we want with nothing to tie us down. 

I would just like to stop write here and say I'm so happy. Excited about all my dear friends that are engaged, married, newly married, in relationships, etc. This is exciting. It is a process the Lord uses to shape us and teach us more of who he is. On top of that it is beautiful to see people happy and committed to building family in the world. Being devoted to loving one another. If anyone knows me, they know I love love. I also think that all of the articles they post (and mind you I do read them on occasion) are insightful and it's good to pass on wisdom.

On the same note, I am single, and I would be lying if I said there is not that desire to be married. I can pretend that when i hear wedding plans there's a part of me that says "I wish that were me." And I know that there are a bundle of single girls (and guys) empathizing. And as the articles illustrate, I see two pockets that tend to form, and I am as guilty as the next for falling into each of these on numerous occasions. We have 1. Man Hunters 2. Miss Independent. 

1. Man Hunters: Desiring to be in relationship, we are constantly seeking out "the one." Now I'm not saying that dating is a bad thing. Nor is there anything wrong with being open to the idea of a new relationship. But I always get concerned when I have friends that float from one relationship to the next. Or If a man shows any hint of interest is planning the wedding (I recognize I'm talking a lot about girls. Mind you I have met plenty of men in the same boat). 

2. The Independents: Then there's those of us that think Well who needs a man anyway! I'll just be free. Free to pursue my life and my passions and I'm going to leave my mark on the world and no man can tell me otherwise. Sucks to be married. Then you're attached. You don't have a life of your own. This way I do what I want when I want. 

I don't think either of these are healthy. Yes.  Singleness is a gift. Yes. Relationships are a gift. But when we forget the gift giver...that's when we're in trouble. 

I've noticed in this season of my life there is a tendency to obessess over this area. I mean, after all is there really anything else popping up on my social media? And I struggle in this limbo to find a healthy balance of embracing my singleness while staying open to relationship. It feels like a storm of inward conflict. I really am content to be single, but if someone shows interest how should I navigate that? I've been praying through it a lot and the other night it hit me that I'm focusing on the wrong thing. 

My focus should be on Jesus, and him alone. He is where my identity is found. 

If I am single. That is a gift and the Lord wants to use that to build me, to strengthen who I am as an individual. However, when my singleness...my independence...is a source of focus I will obsess over my career, job, putting my mark on the world....and ultimately it will lead to loneliness. 

If I am in a relationship. That is a gift to mold me in showing love. To learn the art of giving and receiving grace. A course in setting boundaries. But even healthy relationships are flawed, and all individuals carry with them brokeness, so what can we expect, but dysfunction and messiness in relationships. If I am dating or married I will be failed. And if that is what I have put all my focus, my attention, direction, and obsession on...my identity....I will again be hurt and lonely. 

So whether single or married, my focus should be on the Lord alone. My identity in him he is the only one that can fulfill. He puts the lonely in families. He gives purpose. And when my identity is on him that is what gives life to the singleness and gives peace to the times of deciding who I should date and figuring out if that is a person I want to marry. He gives bravery to face both unknowns. 

I've been praying a lot, and I felt Papa whisper, whatever you choose I will be with you. Focus on me and me alone, I will be your answer. So I'm going to trust and walk in the freedom no matter what season he leads me in. 

Roles, Maturity, and "I Can" Spirit

Transition. If I have not said it enough (and even if I have, I will say it again) I hate it. Transition, for me, it a point of chaos, struggle, turning. Stress. I struggle in transition to keep my head straight. Most of the time I can't tell if I'm crazy or if it is just circumstances seemingly spinning out of control. However, from what I hear, that's normal. Transition is hard. It's a point where of defining, where what we know, think, and feel is all thrown up in the air and brought into question. For some lucky people, they transition one circumstance at a time. For me, I just tend to get it all at once. This week, new room, new roommates, new job, new sleep schedule, and new roles in where I live. Again, I can't tell if I'm going crazy or if it is mere circumstance. 

And in this process, most of what I had so slowly grown accustomed to has been thrown up in the air for question, reevaluation, and possible change. Everything from, do I really still like that painting that is hanging on the wall, to who am I in this new group of people, to now what do I need to do to take care of myself. 

With new rhythms, I finally decided, to take some alone time and actually look at life. I realized, as I have several times this year, I just feel a struggle in knowing who I am and what I am supposed to be doing with the Annex (where I live and volunteer), church (where do I fit, how can I serve, where am I in the family), friends (what relationships should I be holding onto, where should I be letting go, where should I be pouring in). At least that's what I thought my questions were. However, as I sat and processed, I realized that there are things I feel inclined to. There are things I want to do. Want to be. Naturally we are inclined to different areas, and so am I. 

Still, I struggle. Not maybe with knowing what I'm supposed to be doing, or even would like to do. I struggle knowing that I can do it. I don't know where it started, but at some point people started telling me I look young for my age. I'm only 23, so it's hard to feel people are going to take you serious if you look much younger. That eventually translated in my brain that I act younger and into a belief that I am immature and incapable. Even deeper, it fed I lie I already believed that I can't do it. Oh, but it gets worse. Of course, I can't just believe that about myself, so I put that on others, and believe that's what they think about me. I believe others think I'm immature, irresponible, unable to do anything of meaning. And if you know me, you know that I am a fighter, so I get defensive and I get angry. More than that, I get jealous when I see others being used in their gifts and yet I feel so incapable of so much. And when I get to this point, clearly I am so mature and able to take on the world. The root of insecurity is my downfall. 

I was sitting reflecting this morning, realizing I felt that  I'm immature. I can't be taken seriously. That's when I heard Papa say "My dear, who told you you were immature and unable to handle things" I tried a couple times to insert people's names or situations. Then I realized no one ever had. I had told it to myself. 

Could it be possible that the only person that was standing in the way of me and the rest of my life was myself? 

I think it is valid that sometimes I am immature. But isn't everyone in a new situation. Does anyone truly know how to manage in an area they have never been? If we did know, then what would be the need for growth? So is it possible that I am not afraid of my immaturity, but my imperfection. I am afraid I will not be perfect, so I decline from action. 

As I reflected, I looked at myself and said, "Well, that's dumb." 

A couple weeks ago my friend Ali was telling me about power poses. A study showed that people who walked with confidence, even if they felt no confidence at all, were viewed as more confident. Not only that, but their posture began to rewrite their brain patterns and they BECAME MORE CONFIDENT. 

So I guess now it's time for me to do some power poses. I can't sit back and be afraid of imperfection. The only perfect person is Jesus and that's why the Gospel works. Now it's time for me to embrace the gospel. Embrace I am imperfect, but in that I am capable, because the Lord has given me grace. That is why I can walk in confidence. Even if I don't feel it yet. There's power in "fake it till you make it." So I'll keep speaking that I can. I am. I am becoming who I was made to be and there is now shame in that. I'm not ready to take on the world. But I am ready to take on relationships, friendships, family, church, the Annex. I'm ready to take on my life. 

Dancing with Papa

Anyone that knows me lately knows that I've gotten a little into salsa dancing...and when I saw "gotten into it" I mean it's to the point where my friend Kenni Rae and I joke that Salsa is like crack. If you listened to anyone in the community it sounds like there's looking for a place to get a hit as opposed to practice dancing.

This has become something I love. Something I enjoy to the point that I sometimes go out 2-3 times a week. It's good exercise. It's social. It's fun. It has music and it's beautiful. And generally when I say "I go out" I mean I will probably be at a place starting at 9 or 10 and will most likely leave around 1 or 2, dancing my heart out the whole time. All in all I can end up dancing 4-5 hours straight in a night. No stopping. Not holding anything back. And it brings me joy! I feel alive when I'm dancing. I feel like some how the world makes sense, even when really nothing in the world makes sense and life is going crazy. When I'm dancing it doesn't matter, because all that really matters is the music and the way it moves me.

Last night, as a usual Friday night, I went out to dance salsa. I spent the night spinning and twirling with one partner then another and finally got the chance to dance with my all time favorite salsa partner. This guy only appears to be a petite Asian man, when in fact I swear that he's really the strongest Latino on the dance floor. Seriously, every time we dance I'm impressed by some of the moves he pulls off. There are some things he does I never thought anyone could pull off, then there he goes. He dips, he spins, and he's never dropped me once (Just saying that's an accomplishment). However, despite his dance moves being so impressive, the real reason he is my favorite partner is that ever time I dance with him he takes the time to :
1) teach me something new
2) give me a pep talk.
This night was no exception.

Standing on the edge of the dance floor, watching all the beautiful people, He slid over beside me and asked me for a dance. When my favorite dancer asks for a dance, how can I refuse? He guided me out to the floor and we danced for a few songs. Finally he suggested we take a break. He lead me to the couches off to the side, and says "Kayla, I can't believe how much you have improved. Each time we dance together you keep on getting better and better. I remember seeing you dance the first time in November, and now look at you! That takes dedication and you're out every chance, just improving."

I was thinking about what he said today as I got ready for salsa class and I thought, it's true, I have improved a lot. There's no denying that. I wouldn't say it's extraordinarily. I mean I do go out at least once a week. So I'd still say for that I'm pretty average. However, I go out to practice and when i practice I practice hard. Non-stop is a word that has described me often.

That's when I heard Papa's voice whisper, "Kayla, what if you pursued me the way you pursue dancing?" And I was literally dumb struck. For the past month I've been watching people I would say have "expert" level faith. They walk with Papa like he's right next to them. I guess that's because they know he is. And though I know in my head he is with me, so often my heart is in disbelief and I stray.

I've noticed this tendency, I guess you could call it a habit in my life, that when I'm feeling dead, purposeless, I seek out purpose. Passion is not a foreign concept to me. In high school it was music. Then health. In college it became injustice and speaking up for the voiceless...and though none of these things are bad, they're not the Lord and they don't satisfy. They only are the pursuit of "water that will cause thirst again," and because they do not sustain they need to be pursued. Now I'm recognizing this pattern beginning to repeat in dance. Now I don't think dance is bad, nor do I feel called to quit it. I think that it's a beautiful thing. It's a gift the Lord has given me for the here and now, and oh the way Papa speaks to me as I move.
And I'm not saying that Salsa takes away from my time with the Lord. I've developed the discipline of having quiet time, of sitting with the Lord. Meditation. Devotions. Listening to podcasts. Prayer. However, the thought lingers, what would happen if I pursued Papa as long and as hard as I can dance? Here's my challenge. I guess Papa has given me a dare: Chase me and don't stop. Close down the place if you have to. Practice when you're alone. Follow me. Dance with me. I'm not sure what this would look like and I don't know where it will lead, but I'm willing to find out. I think we'll be seeing more blogs about this to come. Maybe it's a competition with myself, to dance in the spirit as hard as I can dance in the flesh. If in the flesh I can grow so much, how much more in the spirit. I think I'm ready to find out.

Change

Change is coming. All in this month, I will be changing jobs, changing sleep schedules, loosing two roommates, gaining two more, and changing rooms. Transition. That is the name of the game. But as I am changing in the seasons and spring is on the way, so I feel a shift in me and excitement is bubbling inside of me. 

Summer is coming and that is the time the world becomes fully alive and I believe I may as well. It's a time of new beginnings, and as this past season has been a time of stretching, unravelling, pain, and a crumbling, so this next season may hold the same, but is looking towards a time of birthing potential. 

At our last prayer week we were challenged to make a collage of the things we felt the Lord promising for the next year. Mine featured words such as: igniting a passion, rest, freedom, dream, love, life, relationships, renewal, roots, and creativity. 

Now we're coming upon our next prayer week, and so I'm taking another step on this journey to healing and restoration. Change is coming. It's here. I'm excited to see what is in store. 

Oaks of Righteousness

From the Book of Isaiah:

The Year of the Lord's Favor

61 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;[a]
    he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
    and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;[b]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,
    and the day of vengeance of our God;
    to comfort all who mourn;
3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
    to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
    the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
    the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.[c]
4 They shall build up the ancient ruins;
    they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
    the devastations of many generations.

5 Strangers shall stand and tend your flocks;
    foreigners shall be your plowmen and vinedressers;
6 but you shall be called the priests of the Lord;
    they shall speak of you as the ministers of our God;
you shall eat the wealth of the nations,
    and in their glory you shall boast.
7 Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion;
    instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot;
therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion;
    they shall have everlasting joy.

8 For I the Lord love justice;
    I hate robbery and wrong;[d]
I will faithfully give them their recompense,
    and I will make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their offspring shall be known among the nations,
    and their descendants in the midst of the peoples;
all who see them shall acknowledge them,
    that they are an offspring the Lord has blessed.

10 I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
    my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
    he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
    and as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up,
so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise
    to sprout up before all the nations.

Since my freshman year of college, when I first got involved with the anti-human trafficking movement, I have seen this verse plastered. It would appear that every organization focused on this issue has made Isaiah 61:1-3 their theme verse. I'm not going to say that it's inappropriate. In fact, I think it's a fantastic verse. However, in all my having this passage repeated over and over again, somehow it felt like it had been ran into the ground. Taking simply the 1-3 I proclaimed that it was my calling to set captives free. I was the anointed voice of the Lord. But even then, as time has passed, I took it for granted. When I would hear the verse read, my mind immediately would switch to a blackout. I knew this verse. After all, I had heard it at every event for the past 5 years. Yes, I was familiar, but never before had I seen that the captive was me. 

In the recent I have had this passage directed at me, at me personally. Not just once, but on the multiple. Maybe it's time I start listening. Reflecting. Actually taking time to hear what the Lord is saying. 

So I have, and I've begun to realize I am the one needing set free. It is the promise to me that my broken heart will be bound up. I will be given liberty. I am the one that will have a seal of beauty placed upon me, and will be called an oak of righteousness.

It is only in finding my own freedom that I am able to draw others into freedom. And this verse says that. As I live in the freedom given, the Lord chooses to give even more that will pour out of me to splash onto others. 

However, Isaiah is not a book written in the time of Hope. Instead it is written in the darkest night. While Israel is in captivity. While Israel still walks in the darkness. The Chapters before talk about the sin of Israel and the darkness in which the people live. But at the very end of this Chapter the Lord talks about how he will cause the seeds he has planted to sprout up. Seeds of righteousness and praise. 

This season of post-graduation has been hard. I've been through transition...a lot of transition and most of the time am just left to wonder if this season is crazy, or if I'm going crazy. Feeling stress I don't always respond the way I should. I live my days just trying to hold on and wonder, where is the Lord. However, this verse speaks volumes, saying "the Lord will cause to sprout up what he has planted." As nature is coming into spring and a time of planting, so this is my season. And in Spring the rains pour. They are full of thunderstorms, and what more can be expected of my life. However, without the rain, where would be the flowers? Without my own storms, how can their be growth?

Rain pours down on Earth, 

causing life to sprout up that

proclaims hope and joy. 

ReLENT

40 day Lent Photo Challenge: