Roles, Maturity, and "I Can" Spirit

Transition. If I have not said it enough (and even if I have, I will say it again) I hate it. Transition, for me, it a point of chaos, struggle, turning. Stress. I struggle in transition to keep my head straight. Most of the time I can't tell if I'm crazy or if it is just circumstances seemingly spinning out of control. However, from what I hear, that's normal. Transition is hard. It's a point where of defining, where what we know, think, and feel is all thrown up in the air and brought into question. For some lucky people, they transition one circumstance at a time. For me, I just tend to get it all at once. This week, new room, new roommates, new job, new sleep schedule, and new roles in where I live. Again, I can't tell if I'm going crazy or if it is mere circumstance. 

And in this process, most of what I had so slowly grown accustomed to has been thrown up in the air for question, reevaluation, and possible change. Everything from, do I really still like that painting that is hanging on the wall, to who am I in this new group of people, to now what do I need to do to take care of myself. 

With new rhythms, I finally decided, to take some alone time and actually look at life. I realized, as I have several times this year, I just feel a struggle in knowing who I am and what I am supposed to be doing with the Annex (where I live and volunteer), church (where do I fit, how can I serve, where am I in the family), friends (what relationships should I be holding onto, where should I be letting go, where should I be pouring in). At least that's what I thought my questions were. However, as I sat and processed, I realized that there are things I feel inclined to. There are things I want to do. Want to be. Naturally we are inclined to different areas, and so am I. 

Still, I struggle. Not maybe with knowing what I'm supposed to be doing, or even would like to do. I struggle knowing that I can do it. I don't know where it started, but at some point people started telling me I look young for my age. I'm only 23, so it's hard to feel people are going to take you serious if you look much younger. That eventually translated in my brain that I act younger and into a belief that I am immature and incapable. Even deeper, it fed I lie I already believed that I can't do it. Oh, but it gets worse. Of course, I can't just believe that about myself, so I put that on others, and believe that's what they think about me. I believe others think I'm immature, irresponible, unable to do anything of meaning. And if you know me, you know that I am a fighter, so I get defensive and I get angry. More than that, I get jealous when I see others being used in their gifts and yet I feel so incapable of so much. And when I get to this point, clearly I am so mature and able to take on the world. The root of insecurity is my downfall. 

I was sitting reflecting this morning, realizing I felt that  I'm immature. I can't be taken seriously. That's when I heard Papa say "My dear, who told you you were immature and unable to handle things" I tried a couple times to insert people's names or situations. Then I realized no one ever had. I had told it to myself. 

Could it be possible that the only person that was standing in the way of me and the rest of my life was myself? 

I think it is valid that sometimes I am immature. But isn't everyone in a new situation. Does anyone truly know how to manage in an area they have never been? If we did know, then what would be the need for growth? So is it possible that I am not afraid of my immaturity, but my imperfection. I am afraid I will not be perfect, so I decline from action. 

As I reflected, I looked at myself and said, "Well, that's dumb." 

A couple weeks ago my friend Ali was telling me about power poses. A study showed that people who walked with confidence, even if they felt no confidence at all, were viewed as more confident. Not only that, but their posture began to rewrite their brain patterns and they BECAME MORE CONFIDENT. 

So I guess now it's time for me to do some power poses. I can't sit back and be afraid of imperfection. The only perfect person is Jesus and that's why the Gospel works. Now it's time for me to embrace the gospel. Embrace I am imperfect, but in that I am capable, because the Lord has given me grace. That is why I can walk in confidence. Even if I don't feel it yet. There's power in "fake it till you make it." So I'll keep speaking that I can. I am. I am becoming who I was made to be and there is now shame in that. I'm not ready to take on the world. But I am ready to take on relationships, friendships, family, church, the Annex. I'm ready to take on my life.