Forgive Yourself

A creature of habit that dwells in regret. This is the tragically dismal sphere of my existence. As the year has closed, yes, I am joyful. Ecstatic, really. I am ready to step into the great big world of after graduation. However, at the back of my mind clings a dark creature that would dare to send an overcast shadow to block the sunshine of my life.

Stressful could be one way to describe my year. Mixed-messages and uncertainty were two very defined realities. Being told where to go, who to be, and then being scolded when those weren't really me. It's a hard balance to sustain when who you are is not enough and what's enough is not who you are even when you are playing the part. It leaves a knotted feeling of failure roaring in the pit of my stomach as I come to the sudden realization that I am completely hopeless and lost.

Yet I have survived.

There was struggles. There was chaos. Still, here I am, exhausted from the last monster and waiting for the next. Coming to find that there is no next and the sunshine is beginning to poke its head out from behind the clouds. Only one uncertainty remains:

What was the point?

The frustration and fury had to have a purpose. If not, then it would all be in vain. I find myself perplexed and exasperated, trying to find the deep-seeded message amid the noise. I listen for a little voice, the calm quiet whisper to speak truth and life. However, there is only silence.

Then I remember the one solid theme: Trust.

This has seemed to be a theme for me all year. Trusting the Lord is something that seems hard for all people and I am no exception. Trusting that the Lord is sovereign is a battle that I constantly face. Trusting that he is good, despite my preconceived ideals of what is good. Trusting that he sees me even in the times I feel invisible to everyone including myself. He knows me by name. I am his. That is my lesson.

So for those situations where things could have been different. In the situations where I made mistakes and there's nothing I could do to make them right, so I have to move one. What do I do? What is the lesson? I forgive myself. I believe the Lord loves me. I believe his grace is sufficient. I accept his forgiveness and I forgive myself.

So what about the people I hurt? What about the situations that should have been handled differently and despite my efforts I will never make right? As Richard from Texas would say (I'm currently a little obsessed with Eat, Pray, Love quotes, "Waiting for forgiveness is a waste a time. Forgive yourself." I can't control others, only me and I can let the mistakes of the past continue to haunt me. I only can take the lessons learned and move on. And if the lessons seem foggy for now, then I will move on and trust that the lessons will reveal themselves in due time. "If compassion does not include yourself it is incomplete." -Jack Kornfield.  So compassion on myself I will have. I trust that the Lord is in control, so he will be my pursuit as I press on . 

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.- Philippians 3:13-14