Reconciliation

"Because life is too short to fight with my friends." -The Beatles

Have you ever been forgiven? That overwhelming, so relieving feeling that washes over you when a person you've offended has lifted the guilt, has taken away the punishment and you are freed. It's like the feeling of drowning, and then someone lifts you up out of the water and you're free to breathe.

I was put into this position recently. It was a position of needing forgiveness, and I had been running from it for a long time. Trying to deny my brokenness, I put on a facade of stability and pulled togetherness, all along, dying inside moment-by-moment in confusion and emptiness.

Why do we do this? When we sin against one another, and make mistakes, why do we hide? Why do we choose to runaway and deny our depravity? Why do we smother ourselves in pride, when we recognize that none of us are prone to perfection and all fall?

I guess we come by it honestly. From the first fall of man, this was our  reaction. We ran. We hid. We covered our nakedness in leaves and branches, thinking we were covering our vulnerability, but in truth only exposing how broken we really are.

This was my initial reaction. I ran. I hid. In my shame, I took on pride. In my guilt, I put on self-righteousness. Then finally I broke. That's what happened today. I stopped hiding. Instead of clinging to my humanity and falling into depravity, I surrendered to my depravity and was lifted into full humanity.

I exposed my wrongness. The perversion of my soul laid bear. I stepped out. I stopped running. I denied the ways of my forefathers and fathers before them, and actually looked at myself honestly.

We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) Therefore it is by grace we have been saved through faith, not ourselves. IT'S A GIFT FROM GOD (Ephesians 2:8-9). We are self-righteous pagans, looking to be self-sufficient and we hate that we fall short of the imperfection that we were predestined for before the fall. Therefore we are cursed to always desire to fulfill our purpose, but always cursed to fail, because if we did not fail we would not recognize our need for God. Even when we do fail, we refuse to acknowledge. We are so wrong. I was wrong.

And in this, some how I was brought to life. Clarity and fulfillment broke through the shards of cold darkness. There was no more faking it. I was made whole. I lingered in my state of emptiness and found joy. I was humbled.

In dying I found life. A punishment most deserved, removed. I was forgiven.

Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little." Luke 7:47

I know I am still prone to failure. I will constantly be making mistakes in my life, but I know that the God of all mercy is working in me, shaping me, molding me, and perfecting me into his likeness. 

Psalm 63^[a]

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

¹ You, God, are my God,
    earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
    my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
    where there is no water.

² I have seen you in the sanctuary
    and beheld your power and your glory.
³ Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you.
⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands.
⁵ I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

⁶ On my bed I remember you;
    I think of you through the watches of the night.
⁷ Because you are my help,
    I sing in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ I cling to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

⁹ Those who want to kill me will be destroyed;
    they will go down to the depths of the earth.
¹⁰ They will be given over to the sword
    and become food for jackals.

¹¹ But the king will rejoice in God;
    all who swear by God will glory in him,
    while the mouths of liars will be silenced.