Contentment

Lately I have been struggling to really find the words to say how I am feeling. Literally, I am speechless. My feelings are strong, but I haven't know how to express this ever gnawing struggle that has been brewing inside my body. I've tried to explain to friends, family, and mentors what my heart is screaming, only to be prayed for and find I am sorely misunderstood.  Then today I found it. One word to describe the aching in my heart: discontentment. That is what it is in every essence of the word. I am feeling discontent in my relationships, in my attitudes, in my relationship with the Lord.

Now I recognize that a certain level of discontentment is good. I don't think we should ever be satisfied with where we are in the Lord and in our personal growth. We should continually be seeking to go higher, deeper, and wider with the Lord. We must not grow content in being stuck in the same rut, when the Lord has called us to more. However, when this discontentment is causing anxiety and worry (both which make me a little angsty and I kind of begin to hate myself) this is unhealthy. I am craving deeper relationships so that I will be in community, reflecting the Lord. I want to be pouring into others. I'm sick of hearing the same old verse that says "Be still and know that I am God."

However, maybe in this discontentment, I am missing the point. "Be still." Be content. This seems to have been a theme in a lot of my blogs this semester. The theme of being still and this being my struggle and I am discontent with simply staying in this state. However, if I can not be content with this simple command: To be still and trust the Lord. How can I be trusted with anything else?

My lack of trust in the Lord is reflected in all else I do. In refusing to be still with the Lord, I find that I am flailing, kicking and screaming in a pool of overwhelming exhaustion, grasping for a life support. What I don't realize is that if I would simply be still, I would float, and find that I have already been given refuge by the gentle currents that support me as I travel down the river of life.

Finding contentment in the Lord I am given peace, joy, and hope, because I understand I am safe and secure though all else seems like chaos and confusion.

Again, I am studying Psalm 91 right now, and a metaphor used in this passage is finding refuge under the Lord's wings. The only other time that this metaphor is used is in the book of Ruth 2:12 where Boaz says to Ruth: "I have heard how you left your family and your homeland when your husband passed away. You traveled to this foreign land to care for your mother-in-law. May you be repayed by the Lord, under whose wings you have sought refuge."

Ruth was in a crazy time. She had every reason to feel discontent. In many ways she probably felt lonely and deprived. Her husband had died. She was given the option to go home, but instead she chose to do the hard thing. She said to her mother-in-law "Where you go, I'll go. Where you live, I'll live. You're people will be my people and your God, my God."  She travelled to a foreign land with her mother-in-law where life was hard. She was forced to live like a peasant, getting other people's left-overs. However, instead of wallowing in discontentment and bitterness, she sought contentment in the Lord. The Lord became her Lord.  She lived the life she had been dealt and was grateful.
For this she was given honor by a new husband, she was protected from starvation. She was shown the meaning of the Lord's salvation. More than that, she, a foreigner, was included in the lineage of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. All because she was content to seek the Lord.

Abba, I pray today that I would be content in the life I have been given. I thank you for the life you have given me and that you are working it for your purposes. Today I choose to dwell  in you, being content in every situation and rejoicing always. Your ways are higher than my ways, so who am I to judge you. I will be content with your provision alone, and trust you to provide what I need and for forgiveness for all the times I fail to trust you. May I be a revelation of your love for this world as I seek and abide in your grace and mercy. Your grace is sufficient and to your grace I cling.
-Amen