India Update 5

“For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
 For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
 For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
 For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
 For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
 People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
 As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.”-Sam Levenson

I feel like I'm finding recently that there is a lot of truth in this statement and it's something that is being worked into me, slowly, but surely. Most of these lessons I have learned. Maybe that's why it's so hard that in India, I am learning them all over again. 

Learning to speak words of kindness, because words can either bring life or death, blessings or cursing. There is so much power in the tongue, but we deny it. We speak words of hatred, malice, and jealousy over one another, but even more often is the temptation to speak these words over ourselves. Pointing out our flaws, picking apart our insecurities, little-by-little we convince ourselves that really we have no value at all. 

And saying only the negative, how can we begin to glimpse the positive, in ourselves, or others. All we see is failure, all we see is shame. We grow angry, bitter, hard, full of fear. We fear others, because we know if they look too close they will see the flaws we fear in ourselves. 

So we hide. We isolate. We retreat. We refuse to share what we have, who we are, our gifts, our abilities, our being, because if someone got to close, then surely they would leave. So we hoard what we have, neglecting the poor, and convincing ourselves that we must live alone. It's called independence, right? 

Being in India, I've struggled with fear. It seems like every insecurity I have struggled with in the past year has been raised to the surface to stake it's claim and I have coward. Crippled by the works of comparison, insignificance, inferiority, I have been left to feel lonely. I know! Right? In a city of about 5 million people, I have been consumed by feelings of loneliness at points. Why don't I just walk outside and remind myself that there's other people out there? 

Loneliness isn't a physical state that we can just erase by being in a group. Loneliness is the cry of the spirit. It's a call from the desert, begging for intimacy with the One who knows our every need. Wasn't it just a month ago I was in the wilderness learning this lesson? I guess some lessons can't be learned until we put them into practice. Head knowledge always must become heart knowledge before it can be proven useful. And really, how can i truly pass on any wisdom unless I have already struggled through the journey of discovering it for myself? 

I think I'm finally getting it. Though it is a lesson I am learning and relearning with each new situation and predicament that arises, I am never alone. That is the only power I really have. The fact that One is with me is what eliminates all fear, because perfect love casts out all fear. True loves waits, so I will be still and know that I am never alone. And as the fear of loneliness...inferiority...insignificance...comparison decreases...so a love stronger than any other power increases in me, allowing me to see the beauty of brokeness, allowing me to speak forth truth and life. 

Eating Mother Dairy Ice Cream with the Ladies!

I'm left to wonder, how did I ever think I could do it on my own? Because I did. I mean I tried. Going from place to place and meeting person after person, all in the name of love. But on my own, as this time has stretched onward, it's become a challenge to really love. To really pour out. Do all the right things. Say all the right things. Is that cultural blunder I just made going to super offend someone and harm the work I'm doing? Crap I am so socially awkward! It's an ever tumbling snowball effect, except I'm in Kolkata where the closest thing to a snowball is Mother Dairy Icecream. 

Fact 1: I cannot do anything alone and when I try I'll end up dying. 

Fact 2: I am never alone. 

Fact 3: The lover of my soul is much more interested in me doing things with him than for him. 

Last night I went to a Shane and Bethany Dillon Concert (Let's be real I have never listened to them States' side, so it's a little clever that their story would be used to rock my life on the other side of the world). Shane shared about when he was starting to date Bethany and all she would do was write him love songs. They didn't talk. She'd miss their phone dates, but she would write him love songs. And during this time, he realize that the songs don't matter. What we do doesn't matter, because in the end what matters is our presence. 

In to book of Amos it's even stated, "I hate all your songs. I hate what you're doing, because you refuse to be with me" (That's totally paraphrased, but you get the point). Hearing that, something in me snapped and I realized, I've kind of forgotten my First Love while I've been here. When was the last time I took time to listen? When did I actually sit in the silence and listen to a still small voice? I'm praying to hear the secrets, but if I don't stop running will I ever hear the whisper? I've forgotten the Lover of my Soul and it's shown in the loneliness. In the depths of my heart I have been crying in my brokeness, yet will not rest long enough to be filled with completion. 

Homework Buddy!

But somehow, last night I was made whole.Every song seemed to resonate. The voice of Love rang out so clear, how could I ignore? I realized I'm not alone and I never was. I just forgot to take the time to see it. In the five minutes I finally sat still, love washed over me in ways that I forgot it could. I felt like one of the little girls we've been working with this week. 

This week we have been teaching little girls dance and watching them dance is one of the beautiful revelations of Love I think I have ever seen. These little girls that have seen more darkness than most could imagine. Some have more life experience than most of the old women that I know. Being held by bondage that human love could never break it's  beautiful seeing chains fall off and light shine on their faces with each twirl. Darkness erased, a smile explodes as a daughter realizes she is a princess. There is no words that can express the beauty seen in a little girl's freedom as she discovers a new layer of Love in each new transition of the dance. 

I have fallen into transition, discovering a new layer of Love. Again, realizing I cannot give what I have not received, so how can I walk in love with these little girls if I am not walking with Love itself? 

Love enables to speak words of kindness. It empowers to see the good in people. It strengthens to share what I have with those in need. I gives the grace to be in the moment. Love is with me and I am not alone. 

I am coming back

to my First Love that I may

be changed and made new. 

The old is gone, and 

this chapter is closed. With Love

I am moving on.